


Show must go on

by lucyelfenmaid



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Alternative univers - university, Alternative universe - living, Depression, F/F, Homophobia, M/M, Mention Of Suicide Attempt, Mention of Death, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, punk!Kieren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4095196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucyelfenmaid/pseuds/lucyelfenmaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kieren left Roarton to go to university in Bristol. </p><p>He didn't expect to make friends so fast, nor his roommate to be so nice and attractive.</p><p>(sorry, this story is likely never going to be continued. But like my brother puts it: it is fitting for an in the flesh fic...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

KIEREN:

It was Kieren’s first day in Bristol. He had arrived the evening before quite late, and all he had seen was his room on the campus, so that day didn’t count. He had spent the rest of the evening unpacking and drawing, as his future roommate wasn’t there yet. He had been a bit disappointed, because he was excited to meet the guy he was going to spend the next years with, but quite anxious too, as Kieren had always had troubles making friends.

He still didn’t know anyone from campus, and he had nothing to do, so this morning, he decided he would go for a walk through the beautiful Goldney Gardens surrounding the student accommodations. There weren’t many students there today and the tourist season was over, so it was quite calm. Kieren sat down on a bench, wishing he had taken his sketchbook with him. It was hard for the artist in him, not to draw such magnificent sceneries. But he didn’t want to go back to his room, so he just sat there, enjoying being on his own.

His thoughts went to his sister Jemima, who was now the only child at home. He already missed her and her badass behaviour. Would she be lonely without him now? As much as Kieren didn’t find it easy to make friends, Jem had it even harder. The only friend she had ever had had moved away a few years ago, partly because her parents couldn’t stand her being a friend of Kieren’s sister. In comparison to Kieren however, Jem never had to deal with bullies, or at least never for much longer than one day, as she would kick their asses as soon as they started.

“Hi, beautiful! Are you new here too?”

Kieren jumped. He had been so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t realize the girl sitting down next to him. She had long brown hair with a huge pink flower holding it out of her face and big happy eyes.

“Um... eh... yes. Who are you?”

“I’m Amy. I arrived three days ago. I’ve met a lot of people; they all seemed nice but a bit boring. _You_ don’t look boring...”

She smiled while squeezing his cheek and then started to laugh. It wasn’t the kind of laugh Kieren was used to hearing from other people his age, not a mocking or evil laugher; it was pure and full of joy. He started to like her, though she did make him feel a little uncomfortable.

“Thanks...” He smiled shyly and blushed a little at the compliment about him not looking like the boring kind “I’m Kieren. Nice to meet you!”

Amy’s smile widened: “Aww, your such a cutie!”

Kieren blushed a bit harder and turned his face away to hide it from her. He was overwhelmed by her words. No one had ever complimented him like this before. Well, his parents did, but that doesn’t count. That’s what they’re supposed to do.

Kieren’s reaction made Amy laugh even harder and with more affection. When she had calmed down, she started asking him about everything. She wanted to know how many siblings he had, where he came from, what he wanted to do at university, how many girlfriends he had had.

Kieren answered every question cheerfully, happy that that strange girl seemed to care about him, but at the last one, he fell into embarrassed silence. Amy continued staring at him, waiting for an answer. This appeared to be part of Amy’s nature. She would not accept no for an answer.

Kieren couldn’t resist much longer and admitted he had never had any. This wasn’t the whole truth, but it would do.

“I don’t believe you for a second! A handsome man like you? The girls must be queueing behind you!” Amy shook her head in disbelief. “You know what? I’ll find you a girlfriend. I’ll make it my duty to...” she stopped as she saw Kieren’s face. It was a little pink again, and he was looking down in obvious embarrassment, slightly shaking his head.

“Oh...” Amy realized her mistake. A surprised and at the same time happy smile spread across her face. “Your gay! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to... How many _boyfriends_ have you had, then?”

Kieren looked at her, confused by her reaction. People usually don’t just accept that you’re gay. They don’t apologize for mistaking them for straight people. This Amy really was nice.

“None”, he answered with a sad smile, which turned into an ironic one as he added, “Who would want me anyway? I mean look at me!”

“Everyone with eyes in their head, dumdum. I am looking at you. You’re bloody gorgeous!” she said while admiring the man’s big brown eyes and his strawberry blond fluffy hair. “You’re more than gorgeous, you’re morgeous!”

Kieren smiled sheepishly. They fell silent for a while, and then he started asking the questions. It turned out that Amy lived with her Nan somewhere in the north of England, not far away from Roarton, where Kieren was from. She had taken the same classes as Kieren – art and humanities – and had arrived a week early in Bristol, as she was so excited about meeting new people and visiting the city. Her Nan was quite old and not in best health, so they nearly never went on holiday.

They stayed on that bench for the rest of the morning, talking about this and that. Then Amy ordered them a pizza and insisted on paying it herself, as a celebration of their friendship. Amy was a great person, full of kindness and joy. It felt so easy to talk to her.

 

In the afternoon, they went for a walk through the city. Amy showed him useful things she had found the previous days, like the nearest supermarket, some nice party rooms and the public swimming pool. Then they went to Castle Park to drink a beer while watching the sunset. They already felt really close, like they had known each other for several years already.

Back in Goldney Hall, they decided to spend the next day together, or rather, Amy decided and Kieren accepted gratefully. They would go to the Downs and picnic there, then maybe visit the zoo. They agreed that Amy should come to Kieren’s room at ten and pick him up, as he didn’t have a roommate that they might disturb.

 

Kieren woke up at the sound of the doorbell. He needed a few seconds to realize where he was and why someone was ringing the bell.

“Shit!” he muttered sleepily. He got up, still in his pyjamas and with his bed hair and opened the door.

Amy looked at him and giggled. “You didn’t forget about me, did ya?” she uttered in a fake offended tone. “Come on, let’s get you dressed!”

She passed past him into his bedroom and sat on the bed. “Um... I think I can manage on my own...” Kieren mumbled.

“You sure?” she joked in respose and left for the living room.

Kieren choose a slightly punk outfit, which consisted of a My Chemical Romance band shirt, a studded jacked and some torn trousers. When he came into the living room, Amy let out an appreciative whistle.

“You look _morgeous_! Didn’t know you were into punk-rock.”

He smiled and looked at her. She didn’t look too bad herself, with her hippie dress, her colourful flower shirt and her self-knitted jacket. He held out a hand to help her up and they left.

The Downs were about a 10-minute walk away from the students accommodations. By the time they arrived, the sky had turned a threateningly dark colour. A few minutes later it started to rain, and it didn’t look like it would stop soon, so they decided to go home to Amy’s flat.

While Amy cooked them dinner, Kieren got the chance to meet Amy’s flatmate Jenny. She was smug and not very likeable. When Kieren tried to start a conversation, she made it clear that she wouldn’t degrade herself into communicating with a _punk_. So they were just sitting at the table while Jenny was looking at him disdainfully.

“Tell your boyfriend that if he wants to come in here, he should dress appropriately!” She finally shouted in Amy’s direction.

Amy turned around, her expression full of hatred. No one, no, absolutely no one had the right to be mean to her new friend. He could wear whatever he wanted whenever he wanted! But she didn’t want to get cross with her roommate even before school had started, so she just answered: “He is not my boyfriend! He is...” She was going to add, that he wasn’t straight, but Kieren, who got what she was thinking shook his head. No, she couldn’t do that. That stupid girl wouldn’t accept it like Amy had. She couldn’t accept different clothing style, so how on earth would she react to that? She would probably ban him from her flat, like Rick’s father had done back home in Roarton.

Seeing Kieren’s reaction, Amy realized telling Jenny about her friend being gay wasn’t the smartest thing to do. “...just a friend.” She added instead.

Jenny had already open her mouth to make a mean comment on what Amy had said when the doorbell went. “Never mind.” She said and stood up to open the door. She greeted someone and left.

“Thank god!” Kieren sighed in relief “I don’t know who this was, but they are my new best friends!”

“What about me?” Amy asked jokingly. Then she added “How am I going to survive these years with her?”

She brought the meal to the table – Kieren had already dressed it – and sat down vis-à-vis of Kieren. “So, what are we going to do this afternoon? How about watching a movie?”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea!” Kieren agreed, taking the first bite of the vegetable risotto Amy had made. It was delicious!

 

When he was home and on his own again, Kieren couldn’t help but think of his future flatmate. He wasn’t as excited to meet him now. What if he turned out to be like Jenny? What if he was homophobic? Of course, Kieren wouldn’t have to tell him that he was gay, but _if_ he ever were to bring a guy home one night, his roommate would know.

He was so bothered by this that he nearly couldn’t sleep. Tomorrow, he would meet him, as in two days there would be the campus tours and it was highly recommended to be there then.

Finally, tiredness won over worry and he fell asleep.


	2. The flatmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieren gets to meet his flatmate

KIEREN:

Kieren slept in late the next day. They hadn’t planed anything for today, so he took his sketchbook and sat down in the park. The sun had come back and it was getting quite warm.

He finished his sketch and moved to sit in the shade of a big tree. He leaned against the trunk and took a nap.

“Hey! There you are! I’ve been looking for you!” Amy’s joyful voice woke him up. Kieren open his eyes drowsily and yawned. “Oh, you were drawing. Can I see?”

She picked up his sketchbook. Kieren was too sleepy to protest. At any other time, he would have snatched it from her, as he didn’t think much of his art.

Amy looked at the last picture. It showed the Goldney Gothic Tower. “You’re a great artist! It’s beautiful!”

Kieren snorted.

“No, seriously, I love it!” Amy insisted as she sat down next to him. She put an arm around his shoulder and laid her head on his shoulder. “You shouldn’t think so little of yourself. Be a bit confident! You’re great, you really are! If you were straight, I would totally ask you out.”

He smiled and leaned his head against hers. “I’m glad you’re my friend and I’m glad you think like this.”

They sat there in silence, enjoying the day, until Amy suddenly turned around and pinched Kieren’s cheek playfully. “Hey, we should go to your room and listen to some music. And then you could draw me. I always wanted to have someone draw a portrait of me.”

She stood up and pulled Kieren to his feet, without leaving him time to protest.

 

Amy had just left a few minutes ago, when Kieren heard the door opening. This had to be him. This had to be his roommate. The fears from last night came back to him and he tried to put off meeting him, by staying in his room until he heard an unsure voice.

“Hello? Is someone home?” it asked in a distinct Irish accent.

Kieren peaked out of his room and saw a big, dark haired man in his twenties standing in the living room. He wore some big jeans and an old oversized jumper. Kieren hesitantly left his room, not really sure what to do. His roommate sensed his presence and turned around.

“Oh, hi!” He smiled. “So you’re my roommate? I’m Simon Monroe. I’m Irish, by the way.”

“Yeah, I got that. I’m Kieren Walker. Nice to meet you!” Oh god, his roommate was so hot!

As the other man looked at him, Kieren suddenly became aware of what he was wearing and blushed. He was quite self-conscious about wearing his punk clothes in front of strangers. They had never been nice to him back in Roarton, but when he had started the punk thing, they had been even worse. So now, he was afraid of his roommate’s reaction.

“Nice to meet you too!” Simon answered with a friendly smile.

 

SIMON:

Simon hadn’t expected his roommate to be home when he arrived. Well, actually, there were a lot of things he hadn’t expected about his roommate. For example, he’d never had thought that he would be shy, or that he’d like the same kind of music as Simon did – everything rock/punk/metal –, but least of all, that he was going to be so cute and hot. This was going to be a problem. He already felt attracted to him. Those big brown puppy eyes, the way the other man blushed when Simon had looked at his clothes, his obvious shyness, everything was so perfect about him. But this wasn’t how you should think about your roommate.

They were both standing awkwardly in the living room, staring at each other. Simon would have loved to talk a bit more to this wonderful guy, but he wasn’t really good with people and he didn’t want to do something that might ruin their chance to get on well.

“Have you eaten something? I was going to make myself supper soon and I was wondering if you would like some too?” Kieren broke the silence.

“Yeah, that would be great! I haven’t had the chance to buy food since I arrived... I’ll make it up to you, don’t worry”, Simon answered, relieved to be taken out of the awkward situation.

“Is there anything you don’t eat?” Kieren asked while going to the little kitchen. “I’m a vegetarian, by the way, so don’t expect any meat...”

“No, I can’t think of anything.”

Kieren disappeared into the kitchen, giving Simon some time on his own. He started unpacking. The furniture they had got from the university was cheep, but it would do. There was desk with a chair, a bed, a wardrobe, a bookshelf and a little nightstand, that was it.

He was about to finish, when supper was ready. It wouldn’t have taken long to put the few things he had in the wardrobe, if it hadn’t been for his books. Simon loved his poems and he loved his poetry books. He had a strange mania with his books. They had to be sorted alphabetically, be in perfect state and totally clean. So he had just arrived at “y” when Kieren called him. He had his favourite copy of William Butler Yeats’s “ _The White Swan at Cole_ ” in his hand. He hesitated, then put it on his nightstand – he intended to read it tonight anyway – and went to the living room, where he found the table already dressed and a pot of spaghetti with cinque pi sauce awaiting him. Kieren was bringing a jug of water.

“I’m sorry, there isn’t anything else to drink”, he mumbled as he put the jug down.

“Water is fine for me”, Simon assured the younger man.

They started eating. The spaghettis were good, although they weren’t the best Simon had ever had. At home, they usually had really nice food, as both his mother and his father liked to cook. And he wasn’t a bad cook himself. Simon complimented the spaghettis anyway, to which Kieren immediately countered that they weren’t that good and that he missed his mother's cooking. He then went on, talking about his family, especially about his two years younger sister Jem, whom he truly seemed to adore. It looked like he had an idyllic family life, and Simon envied him for it. However, Simon realized the strawberry blonde never even mentioned his friends.

When Simon asked him about them, he ignored the question and asked him about his family, to change the subject. There was obviously something wrong with his friends, Simon thought.

“Oh, well, you know, I’m an only child, so there is just my mum, my dad and me.” He answered the teen’s question vaguely.

A crooked smile appeared on Kieren’s face. “Well, it looks like we both don’t have the most pleasant back story...”

Maybe one day, Kieren would be ready to tell him about his friends, Simon thought, and then, he would be more than happy to listen and comfort him. But until then, he would try to avoid this topic. He didn’t want this beautiful teen to be uncomfortable.

“So, why are you a vegetarian? Do you just not like the taste of meat or...?” Simon changed the subject.

“No, it’s not like I didn’t like it, there where different reasons for me to stop eating it. The impact meat production has on our environment, the way animals are mistreated, I didn’t want to support that any more. I’m just someone who didn’t want to cause more harm.”

 

A few minutes later, the doorbell went. The Irishman wondered who this could be, but Kieren didn’t look surprised at all. He stood up and opened the door. In came a hippie looking girl, who appeared to be a bundle of positive energy that had come to life.

“Oh, you’re flatmate has arrived!” she said joyfully, the she tuned to Kieren and whispered, “He’s hot!”

“Amy, this is Simon; Simon, this is Amy.”

They exchanged a few polite words and then Amy suggested watching a movie. The boys agreed and Kieren brought a few DVDs. They decided to watch “ _The Fellowship Of The Ring_ ”. Kieren sat down on the coach, between Simon and Amy, who immediately put an arm around his shoulder. They were both quite focused on the movie, so Simon took the chance to admire the strawberry blonde. He was ashamed of the way he felt, but he realized that he had already fallen for him.

Around the time the Hobbits met Aragon, Amy laid her head on Kieren shoulder, which raised a smile on Kieren’s face and Simon realized how close they were. He was disappointed and relieved at the same time. Kieren being in a relationship with Amy meant that the boy wasn’t gay, and that even if he was bi- or pansexual, Simon wouldn’t have a chance. Kieren was in love with someone else. This made him sad, but at least, he could stop hoping and imagining stuff before it would hurt too much. It set things clear between them. They might be going to be friends, but nothing more.

 

When the movie was over, it was already 11 pm and the campus tour started at 10 am, so they decided not to watch the second one. They talked a little bit instead and then Amy went back to her flat, and Kieren and Simon retired for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i posted the last chapter less than 12 hours ago, but i wanted to post again. Just don't get used to having new chapters that often, i'm not really good with schedules...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get to know each other a bit better, also Simon and Kieren coming out each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, seriousely, don't get used to me postiong so regularly... I won't be able to keep it that way for long... But whatever, enjoy the chapter :)

KIEREN:

  
When he woke up, he could smell the delicious smell of toasts and scrambled eggs. He went to the kitchen, where he found Simon and Amy.

“Good morning Mr Walker! You finally decided to wake up? I’m impressed!” Amy laughed.

“Good morning. It’s only half past eight! I’ve still got one and a half hour until the tour starts.”

The Irishman pointed towards the clock. It showed half past nine.

“Fuck! I must accidentally have set the alarm one hour late! Looks like I wont have time to shower this morning.”

Amy took Kieren’s by his arm and pulled him towards his room, while cheerfully telling Simon she’d help him with the teen clothes.

Did she have to embarrass him like this in front of his roommate? Kieren thought a bit annoyed and blushed. Did she even realize what that sounded like?

Amy pulled the door shut behind them. She turned around and watched him with a big smile and a penetrating look and went: “You’ve got a thing for him, haven’t you?"

Kieren blushed even harder.

“Oh god, you really do! Well, I can see why, I mean, look at his body! And he’s a good person. So, now let’s get you dressed.”

Kieren asked her to look away. He had some scars he wasn’t at all keen on showing. As soon as the girl turned away, Kieren took off his pyjama and put on some relatively smart clothes. No punk today, not on the first day he would see his future classmates.

 

The tour wasn’t that interesting, but they got the chance to get to know each other a bit better. It turned out that Kieren, being eighteen, was the youngest of the three. Amy was nineteen and Simon was twenty-two. They had both started university a bit late, due to some family problems. Amy’s Nan was old and Amy hadn’t wanted to leave her on her own, so it took her Nan nearly a year to convince her to go. Simon however remained silent about his problems.

To Amy and Kieren’s surprise, Simon told them he was taking the same classes as them. His father being an English teacher, he had grown up with literature, and he had an affection for any kind of art.

After the tour was over, Kieren insisted on showing the dark haired man some of the parks he and Amy had discovered the days that preceded his arrival. Unlike last time, they didn’t stay up late, as university started the next day and they didn’t want to be tired. They went to the Downs, and then to Castle Park, because Kieren loved the remains of the building standing there.

When Simon saw the ruins he asked: “Isn’t that what’s left of Bristol Castle?”

First, the two others were impressed, but when they wanted to know how come he knew that, he smirked and told them he had overheard some late tourists speaking about it.

From then on, the three of them did nearly everything together and a big friendship developed in the following weeks.

  
___________________________________________________________________________

 

SIMON:

  
“Hey, Kieren, I have something that I want to tell you.” Simon and Kieren where lying in the grass of the Downs, no one else in sight. “I’m not really comfortable speaking about that, but I thought that as my best friend, you’d have the right to know. I’m not quite sure how to say it...” He hesitated “Well, I’m... I’m gay.”

“You’re WHAT???” Kieren stared at him in disbelief. He had never thought of this possibility; never imagine that his roommate might be gay too.

Simon misinterpreted his friend’s reaction. The look on his face changed from uncertainty to fear. “Please, don’t be mad at me for this, I’m still the same person, I don’t want to lose you because of that, you’re my best friend. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come out to someone, how much trust you have to put in them?”

“Well, actually, I do. I remember the day, when I came out to my family. I told Jem first and she was so nice to me. She hugged me and said that no matter what the other said, she would still be my little sister and that she would be there for me. Then she convinced me to tell my parents too.” While Kieren spoke, Simon watched him with growing astonishment.

“And how did they react?”

“Well, they kinda accepted it, but I suppose they’re trying to ignore it. Although they wouldn’t mind if I were in a relationship with a man, I think.”

“You’re lucky, you know that? My father tried to ban me from the house when I came out! Luckily, my mum was much more acceptant and she managed to persuade him to let me stay. But since that day, not once I heard my father say he loved me, or that he was proud of me. I was only ten!”

“I’m sorry...” That was all Kieren could think of saying. Simon didn’t deserve that. No one deserved that. Being hated by one’s own father was terrible, even more so if it was for something that wasn’t one’s fault.

There was a brief silence, then Simon asked “So, what is your sexual orientation then? Bi? Pan? You obviously aren’t gay, because of you and Amy...”

Kieren laughed in surprise. “You think me and Amy are together? We’re just friends, nothing more.”

  
Simon felt a little glimpse of hope at those words. Maybe he had a chance; maybe he and Kieren could be together at one point. But he immediately stopped himself from thinking about it. Yes, his roommate was gay, but that didn’t have to mean, that the he had a thing for him. How could he? Simon was well aware of how little he was worth. So how could a person as incredible as Kieren even consider being in a relationship with him? There were a lot of nicer guys at university and the chances of one of them not being straight were quite high too. So what was he expecting?

“I’m glad you didn’t have it as bad as I did, when you came out. I’d never wish for anyone to go through the same as I had to.” It felt strange talking to someone about those things, but it was good. Kieren would understand, he wouldn’t judge him.

“Yeah, me too... though I didn’t have it easy either. Back in Roarton, when my best mate’s old man found out about it, he banned me from nearly every institution. And the others tried to avoid me and forbid their children to talk to me, as if being gay was contagious. The only time they spoke to me was to made fun of me. But it would have been okay, if they had left Jem out of it. That was the worst part. Seeing her suffer because of me. Her best friend wasn’t even allowed to hang out with her anymore!” The pain in Kieren’s eyes made Simon feel sick. He wanted nothing more than to hug him and to comfort him. If he ever happened to meet those assholes, he would make them pay for hurting his beautiful Kieren!

“I’m so, so sorry Kier!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now. I’m here in Bristol and I have the two of you, so everything is fine. Speaking of Amy, you should tell her, you know...”

It took Simon a while to realize the teen was talking about his sexuality. He thought about it for a moment and then nodded in agreement. “She’s probably figured it out by now anyway, she is very perceptive.”

He decided he would tell her tonight, as she was coming over for supper. It had become a habit of them to eat together as often as possible. Usually, Amy and Simon took turns to do the cooking and it would have been her turn. But Amy had been away over the weekend, trying to escape the unpleasant company of Jenny and she was coming home this evening, so Simon had offered to swap turns. At first, he had wanted to take over her turn, but being as stubborn as always, Amy insisted on cooking the next time instead.

Simon contemplated the strawberry blonde lying on the grass for a while, until the only thing he could think of was how beautiful the teen was and how much he just wanted to hold and kiss him. Then he tore his gaze away. This wasn’t good. He was even more smitten than he thought. Maybe if they did something else than just lying around, he would be able to focus on something else. He remembered Amy telling him about the university’s swimming pool. It wasn’t far away from where they were now, and Simon loved swimming, so he thought it a good idea to go check it out.

“Would you like to go to the swimming pool? I mean, I don’t mind lying around here with you, but I’d like to actually do something today and we haven’t checked it out yet.” Simon offered.

Kieren seemed very uncomfortable. “I’d rather not go swimming”, he answered, rubbing his wrists awkwardly.

Simon noticed the movement and suddenly became aware that in the four weeks they had known each other, he had never seen his roommate without long sleeves on, or at least a ton of wristbands. A typical behaviour for someone who used to self-harmed and was hiding his scars. This realization broke his heart. This was so unfair, Kieren deserved better. He deserved to be happy and loved.

The Irishman made up his mind to talk to his friend about them another time, but right now, he didn’t want the teen to feel pressured. He had just come out to Simon, and that was probably hard enough without being pushed into revealing other secrets.

“Well, we could go to the zoo then. I’ve heard they have some pretty nice places there too.”

“Yeah, zoo sounds great to me.” Kieren replied, a distinct sound of relief in his voice. He stood up and picked up his stuff and then they left.

 

The zoo was a nice place to be. They walked around a little, then Kieren sat down by the pelicans and started to draw. Simon just sat there, next to him and watched the other guy. He loved to see him draw, to observe the way he could make a few pencil lines come to life. After that, they bought some ice cream in the little shop and went a bit further, where they sat down on a rock and watched people walk by.

Time flew by and it was soon time for them to go back to campus. Amy was going to come home at six and they wanted everything to be ready by then. Simon had told Kieren that he intended to come out to Amy and that he needed to have some time to prepare himself for it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kieren has an uncomfortable encoundter with someone from his past and Simon has to save the day

SIMON:

“I knew it!” Amy exclaimed, smiling wildly.

They had fished eating a while ago. She had told them everything about her two days trip and then Simon had gathered all his strength and told her that he was gay. He didn’t know what kind of reaction he was expecting, but he had never imagined that anyone would ever be so happy about it. Amy even seemed to be proud of him.

His confusion must have been showing, as Amy added: “There is no shame in being gay, Simon, it’s totally natural. And I’m happy you made up your mind to embrace it and I’m proud.” Then she added jokingly: “The only down part I see in the two of you being gay is that you are the hottest and kindest guys I’ve met on campus so far, but there is still plenty of time for me to meet others.”

She watched her two friends for a few minutes and then smiled. “The to of you would make such a cute couple!”  
Simon felt his cheek turn pink, embarrassed by this suggestion. He looked first to Amy then to Kieren, unsure how to react. Kieren was blushing too, which made Simon smile a bit. The teen looked so sweet when he blushed.

 

KIEREN:

Why did Amy have to bring that sweet couple thing up? He had made her promise never to tell Simon how he felt about him! Well, now that he thought about it, she hadn’t exactly broken her promise and she had probably just wanted to do him a favour. Amy knew how much Kieren love the older man. He had spent hours just raving about Simon when he and Amy had had some time together. He never thought that he actually might have a chance, but now, with Simon fancying men, he felt like maybe, with a lot of luck, there might be a possibility for them to be together. On the other hand, just because he liked men didn’t mean Simon would like him. It was much more likely for the Irishman to bring home another man. The mere thought of it hurt. But he would have to get used to it.

He was lying in his bed, but he was much too awake to sleep. All he could do was think about Simon and how amazing their weekend had been. Simon was had been sweet and caring, making him breakfast every morning. He had a habit of getting up relatively early, even on weekends. They hadn’t done much, but it was fun just hanging around together. And he loved talking to him, he felt like the Irishman really listened to and understood what he said. They should definitely do it again.

After a while he put some _Flogging Molly_ on and listened to " _Drunken Lullaby_ " until he finally fell asleep. He had discovered a few years ago, that folk metal was the best music to fall asleep to.

 

On Thursday after school, Simon and Kieren went food shopping. When they were queuing at the cash desk, they realised that they had forgotten the milk, so Kieren went back to get it. He was standing in front of the fridge, deciding whether to take the organic one or not – he preferred organic milk, but his budget was limited and the other one was cheaper – when he heard someone call his name.

“Oi, Kieren!” He recognised the voice with horror. Not wanting to believe it, he turned around, to see he was right. Gary was standing there, with two of his friends. Gary, the guy who he had been trying to get away from, who was the cause of him being hated in his hometown and his life being that piece of shit it was. What on earth was he doing in Bristol?

“You missed me? We might see each other a bit more often now, as I found a job in town. How is your love life going on?” he mocked.

“Just leave me alone Gary!” Kieren pleaded, not wanting to get into trouble.

Gary turned to his friends and laughed. “You hear that? Poor little gay boy wants to be left alone!” Then, to Kieren, he added: “Should have thought of that before you decided to be gay!”

Kieren sighted. “I haven’t decided to, you know. In fact, if I could have chosen my sexuality, I’d never have chosen to be gay, ‘cause that would have saved me so much trouble.”

He took a step backwards, getting closer to the fridge. Gary looked like he wanted to harass him and Kieren knew there was no running away. He’d have to endure it and wait until Gary got bored and went away. Fighting back was not an option; it would only make it worse. He'd tried it once.

“That’s it, try to get away, you worthless piece of shit! Do everyone a favour and kill yourself! Oh, wait, that’s right, you tried that already, but you didn’t succeed. You’re not even able to do that!” Gary’s friends laughed and he turned around, enjoying the positive reaction of his friends. “It’s a pity they could save you!”

Kieren took one more step towards the fridge, his back now pressed into it. He felt panic rise in him and a feeling of cold emptiness spread across his body. His face was drained of blood, one hand clenching the basket so hard his knuckles where white, the other one against the fridge.

Gary took a few steps towards him.

 

SIMON:

Simon was wondering why his friend took so long to find the milk. He had already had to let several people past him in the queue. It wasn’t like Kieren to take so long. He should have been back by now. Maybe he had some trouble finding the milk or his way back? Simon doubted that, but he still decided to go looking for him.

When he arrived to the fridge, his heart stopped. His roommate was there, surrounded by three bigger men, his face white with fear. The Irishman felt rage rise in him, his heart now pounding with anger. How dared they attacking his beautiful and innocent friend? He would make them pay for it!

 

KIEREN:

“Hey! You there, leave him alone!”

Kieren had been so focused on Gary that he hadn’t seen Simon arrive. He was standing there, between the shelves, in threatening posture. Gary and his friends spun around obviously confused. When they saw Simon, they took a few steps back, intimidated by his muscular physic and the hate in his eyes. “Okay, okay, we’ll leave your boyfriend alone.” Gary mumbled, not able to just leave it how it was, but needing to add a bit of oil to the fire.

Simon wasn’t finished with them. He walked up to Gary, until he was a little to close and looked down into his eyes with the most intimidating look he could pull and shouted: “How dare you do that to him?! How dare you attack a defenceless person in a supermarket, you cruel assholes?” he pushed Gary away “If you ever touch or say mean things to him again, I will fucking send you to hospital, you hear me?”

The three guys nodded a little too fast and ran away.

Simon rushed to Kieren’s side, all the hate and anger suddenly replaced by worry.

Kieren wasn’t okay, he was trembling and still really pale and tears were starting to rundown his cheeks. He wiped them angrily away, not wanting to show more weakness to his roommate.

Simon hugged him in an attempt to comfort him and show him he was safe. “Shh, shh, it’s alright now, Kieren, it’s over, shh.”

Kieren just stood there, in his friend’s embrace, trembling and crying, overwhelmed by the situation. Meeting Gary had messed with his emotion and for the first time in forever, someone had stood up for him. And it had been the man he loved. And now, that same man was hugging him and looking at him all concerned and affectionate. The teen couldn’t think straight anymore, so after a short hesitation, he let his instincts win over reason: He just leaned forward and kissed the other man’s mouth.  
Suddenly, he realised what he was doing. He was kissing his friend. And Simon wasn’t kissing him back. It hit him with the force of a car; he had fucked up everything. It made him want to throw up. What had he been thinking? Nothing, that was the problem.

He froze and broke the kiss. “I’m sorry... I was thinking... I didn’t mean to...” His clumsy excuses where interrupted by Simon’s lips on his.

“Don’t be sorry, Kier”, he whispered against his lips.

Kieren’s eyes widened with surprise as Simon kissed him. He froze for a fraction of a second, trying to take in the fact that the older man was interested in him, then he reached out and grabbed the back of the other man’s neck, pulling him closer. He felt Simon’s hand playing with his hair while his other arm was still around his waist. But this time to hold him instead of to calm him down. It was so perfect. Kieren never wanted it to stop.

Simon finally broke the kiss and grabbed a bottle of milk blindly, not turning his gaze away from the strawberry blond. His eyes were shining with joy and kindness. He kissed his younger friend softly on the forehead and murmured softly: “Come on, let’s go home, people are looking already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna be around for the next few days, so i won't be able to update for a while...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some boyfriend time and Simon gets to know why Kieren wears long sleeves.

KIEREN:

He took his hand and led him to the check out. As soon as they were outside the supermarket, Simon turned around and looked at Kieren. “Are you okay?”

Kieren needed a moment to remember what his friend was referring to. “Oh, yeah, guess so, I’m used to it... Thank you for stepping in!” He lied. He could never get used to Gary, every time he thought he had, Gary found a new way to hurt him. And this time, he had outgrown himself!

“I’d never let anyone hurt you!” Simon answered with a crooked smile. “You knew those guys?”

“Yeah, one of them, the leader. His name is Gary. He is a homophobic prat, who loves nothing more than to harass everyone he thinks is worth less than him. Which in his eyes includes almost everyone, except for those he can command and boss around. And he makes an exception for those who can fight back.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about him?” Simon seemed concerned.

“What was there to tell? He’s from Roarton and back there, he made my life a living hell, especially after he found out that I am gay, but I didn’t know that he worked in Bristol now, so I thought that trying to forget about him was the best I could do”, Kieren explained. “Let’s hope that now that you stood up for me, he will realise that I’m not alone and will leave me alone for a while.”

Simon looked surprised. “Are you saying no one has ever done that for you before?”

Kieren nodded. He had only had one good friend in Roarton, named Rick. Rick had been quite popular, but he had been too afraid to loose his popularity by helping him. He’d usually be there for him after Gary had finished with him. Kieren had accepted that, he’d understood why Rick didn’t want to fight Gary and his friends.

“Well, he better keep away from you, or I’ll send him straight to the hospital!” Simon kissed Kieren one more time tentatively, as if still not believing he was now allowed to, then took him by the hand and started walking home.

 

As soon as he heard the door close behind him, Kieren reached for Simon’s head and pulled it down into a passionate kiss. He had had the desire to do that for the past weeks and it had got harder and harder to resist it. It felt so good being finally able to show his love to the older man!

Simon kissed him back with the same passion, pushing his roommate’s back against the wall, while their tongues fought for dominance.

Kieren pulled away to catch his breath, his eyes glowing with happiness. He pulled Simon by the hand he was still holding to the living room. They let themselves fall into the coach and started kissing again. Simon was definitely a good kisser, much better than Rick had been. Although this might have had to do with the fact that Rick had been afraid of kissing another man and his kisses had been shy and unsure, while Simon’s were determined and full of passion.

The doorbell went.

Kieren and Simon looked at each other in a mixture of disappointment and surprise. It could only be Amy coming over for supper.

“Shit, it’s already that late?” Kieren mumbled. Then his glance fell on Simon’s now messed up hair and he sighted. “She’s going to know about us. She’s going to take one single look at us and she’ll know, won’t she?”

Judging by the way Simon looked at his hair, Kieren assumed it looked just like Simon’s. The Irishman smiled. “Yeah, it’s pretty obvious...”

The bell went again. Simon stood up and let Amy in.

“Oh my god, what happened to your hair?” Kieren heard Amy say. He stood up too, and left the room to greet her. When Amy saw him a wide smile spread across her face. She seemed amused by what she saw. “Holly shit! You two were making out, weren’t you? That’s why it took you so long to open that door!”

Kieren felt his cheek become warm as he blushed. He looked at his roommate with an embarrassed and shy, but happy smile. He returned the smile, his cheeks as pink as Kieren’s, his eyebrows raised.

“Oh, look at you, you little cuties. You’re going to be the sweetest couple ever!”

Amy went to the kitchen, adding jokingly that she was sacrificing herself such that they could have time together alone. She had noticed how the two of them could barely take their eyes off each other. And it was her turn to do the cooking anyway.

The two others went back to the coach, Kieren sitting on Simon’s lap. They snuggled up to each other, with only a few light, but none the less loving kisses. They didn’t feel like continuing that passionate kissing with Amy around.

Simon stroke Kieren’s cheek gently, looking deep into the younger man’s brown eyes. “I love you”, he whispered and gave him one of his crooked smiles Kieren loved so much.

The strawberry blonde brushed his lips over Simon’s. “I love you too...”

“Come on, love birdies, stop flirting, dinner is ready!”

 

SIMON:

Amy wanted to know everything about how they got together. They spent the whole supper talking about the shop and Gary and their first kiss. It seemed surreal, as if it hadn’t happen to the same Simon that was now talking about it. He still couldn’t believe the other man really loved him, didn’t understand why he would. But he did, and that was all that mattered. It was hard for the Irishman to sit in front of Kieren without having body contact to him. He really had to fight with himself not to get up and kiss or cuddle with him, but Amy’s presence was making it impossible to do so.

He had never been so happy to see Amy leave when they had finished eating. As soon as she was gone, they went back to the cuddling and kissing on the coach.

“I’ve been dreaming of this since the first week we met.” Kieren admitted between two kisses. “But I was far to afraid to lose you by taking the first step.”

“I’m glad you did, I really am.”

Kieren pulled away. “As much as I hate to say this, it’s late and we have classes tomorrow, we should go to bed.”

Simon moaned. He didn’t want to stop. He was afraid that if he let go of his flatmate, he would wake up and find out it had all be a dream. Then suddenly he had an idea. “How about we both sleep in my bed and cuddle? We don’t have to if you don’t want, but...”

“I’d love that! Let’s go.” He took Simon by both his had and led him to his bedroom. Simon changed into his pyjama and let himself fall into his bed. He looked at Kieren, eyebrows raised as an invitation to join him. Kieren smiled back and took of his long sleeved shirt. Suddenly, his eyes widened with something that looked like panic to Simon. He turned his wrists away from the Irishman and run off to his room. He came back with a long sleeved pyjama.

“It’s okay, you know, we all have our scars.” Simon told him with one of his crooked smiles. He took of his pyjama pants and showed him his legs. They were covered with scars from when he self-harmed. He used to do that a lot at home.

Kieren shook his head sadly. “It’s not the same.”

Simon didn’t understand. He had been so sure the teen was hiding his scars from him. “What is it then?” He asked softly.  
Kieren didn’t answer. He just lay down next to Simon. The older man took his head in his hands and turned it carefully, so that the teen was now facing him. “Show me, please? Whatever it is, I won’t think less of you, I promise.”

Kieren rolled up his sleeves reluctantly, revealing the scars from when he had tried to kill himself. Simon felt his heart stop and his eyes filling with tears. “Why?” He breathed. That was all he could say. Why would a beautiful person like Kieren want to end it all? He who was such a joyful optimist! What had the world done to him that it seemed like the only option left? This wasn’t fair.

“Back in Roarton, they all hated me, all except my best mate Rick. We kinda had a thing together. We more than just friends. When his father found out about us, he sent Rick to the army to Afghanistan and he told everyone I was gay. The hating became worse and it started to affect Jem too. They were being mean to her because of me. Many parents, my sister’s best friend’s parent included, forbade their kids to play with her. They were afraid it could make them gay too. And my parents couldn’t go out of the house anymore without people whispering ‘look, those are the parents of the gay boy’. I saw how much this affected them. And I knew I was the source of all their problems, the reason why Jem cried in her bed at night, when she thought no one could hear her. And with Rick gone, I had no one to stay for. So one day, I decided I would end all my family’s problems by removing the cause: me. It seemed like the perfect solution. My family would be happy again and nobody would be sad I left.”

Simon pulled his friend on top of him and hugged him. “Don’t ever do that again, okay? And don’t ever think there is no one left who cares! I... It would kill me, if you... If you left.” He murmured, his lips pressed against the teen’s hair. A single tear ran down his cheek. This was a cruel world, when someone as wonderful as Kieren sees offing himself as the perfect solution.

“Well, this was somewhat of a mood killer”, Kieren joked half-heartedly. He shifted, so that he could hug Simon back. They lay like this until they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the lovely coments an kudos you guys left on this story! It means a lot to me.


	6. Chapter 6

SIMON:

They had literature classes the next morning. The three of them were sitting at the same place as always, in the last row, Amy at the right end, Kieren in the middle and Simon his left. It was hard for Simon to concentrate on what their lecturer said, with Kieren sitting right next to him. All he wanted was to show Kieren the love and affection he deserved, and this urge was amplified by the knowledge that his friend hadn’t been shown it enough in his earlier life. But he couldn’t, it would be really awkward being caught.

After a few minutes, he couldn’t withstand the urge and put his right hand on the other boy’s thigh, thanking god for being left-handed. Kieren’s face lit up when he felt the hand. He the reached down with his left hand and let it rest on Simon’s for a while. Then he intertwined his fingers with the Irishman’s and removed the hand from his thigh, so that they were now secretly holding hands. They looked at each other with a smirk, then returned to taking notes. Simon noticed how his friends grin changed into a childish grin when he started writing, which in turn made him grin too.

Suddenly, the literature lesson was okay again. Not that Simon didn’t like literature – it was the main reason why he’d decided to study Arts and Humanities – but he was more into poetry than Shakespeare.

 

They spent their lunch break outside on the lawn, enjoying one of the last warmish days. It was already past mid October as it was their fifth week at university.

They didn’t like going to the cafeteria anyway, as the food wasn’t good and Kieren as well as Simon didn’t like being in crowded areas. So they were happy to still be able to spend some time more or less on their own. They were sitting in their favourite spot, under a tree and slightly away from the others.

Kieren was so close to Simon that he was practically sitting on the other man and Amy sat vis-à-vis.

“So, you guys are boyfriends now?” Amy asked.

They looked at each other, then at Amy, not sure what to say. Kieren shrugged his shoulders and Simon murmured a “Guess so...” It had never occurred to them that this question was to be asked. They just sort of assumed they were together. But thinking of them as boyfriends warmed Simon’s heart. He had never had a boyfriend as such. He had slept with other guys in the past, but he had never been in a romantic relationship. Kieren was his first boyfriend. This made him something very special. Maybe he was Kieren’s first one too?

Then he remembered what the strawberry blonde had told him the evening before, about how Rick and him had been more than just friends. What had he been thinking anyway? With the way Kieren looked and how beautiful he was on the inside, of course he had been in relationships before.

“Oh, fuck it!” Kieren turned his head and kissed Simon eagerly without warning.

“What was this about?” Simon asked, positively surprised.

“I spent the whole morning sitting next to you, but not able to kiss you because others might notice. But I just figured I don’t care what people think as long as I can kiss you.”

The Irishman’s heart jumped and he took his boyfriend’s – it felt so nice using this word – head in both his hand and kissed him back with ardour. He realised people started looking, but he didn’t care. He was Kieren’s boyfriend and proud of it. May the whole world know about it.

“Oh, get a room already, you two!” Amy reprimanded them jokingly.

 

KIEREN:

" _Hi Rick!_

_I'm writing you again. I haven't written in a while, and I'm sorry for that... Things got a little busy around here._   
_I'm at university right now. It's much better than Roarton, people are a lot more accepting and friendly here! I've met two really nice persons and we are practically doing everything together. They are called Simon and Amy and they are taking the same classes as me. Simon is actually my roommate and since yesterday, we're sort of together._   
_I thought you ought to know that._   
_I hope the news of me having a boyfriend isn't going be too hurtful for you... You probably got a lot of nice looking and well trained men to admire in the army anyway, maybe you're even in a relationship with one of them? That would be wonderful!_

_You should tell me all about it! I'm looking forward to hearing from you... Look at me! Who am I kidding? You're not going to write back, you never do..._

_I get that you might not want to talk about you, but could you at least let me now that you are reading my letters and that you're okay, PLEASE!_

_I miss you._  
 _Ren_ "

Kieren put the letter in an envelope, but hesitated to seal it. What was he doing anyway? Why did he keep writing to Rick, although he never answered? Rick used to write back all the time when the two of them were still in Roarton – they used to correspond through letters, although they lived only a few blocks away, because they found it funny – so him not writing back could only mean two things: Either Rick didn't read the letter for whatever reason, or he just didn't care about Kieren anymore. Either way, there was no point in writing him.

“What are you doing?” Simon asked.

Kieren startled a little. He hadn't noticed the other man coming to the living room. “Oh, nothing, just writing a letter to Rick. Though I'm not sure if I'll send it...”

 

SIMON:

Simon's face darkened a bit at the mention of Rick. He didn't know much about the other guy, but he didn't think much of him from what he'd heard. He had been too afraid to confront his dad, which indirectly had lead to Kieren trying to kill himself, and hadn't helped Kieren when he had been bullied, out of fear of losing his popularity. This were enough reasons for Simon to hate him. He couldn't see what Kieren saw in him.

And, if he was honest, he was a bit jealous of him having been Kieren's boyfriend too. Simon knew he shouldn't be, but he still was. This was a new feeling for him. He had been with a lot of different guys and he had never cared about it not being their first relationship. But with Kieren it was different. He would have loved it very much to find out he was the teen's first boyfriend.  
“Rick? That's your ex boyfriend, right? The one who is in the army? Why wouldn't you send it?” he asked, trying to hide the way he felt about Kieren writing him.

“Well, sort of...” Kieren answered, “He never wrote back. It's not like him, so I'm not sure if doesn't want to talk to me anymore, or if he doesn't get the letters. But on the other hand, I don't want to stop writing, just in case he does read the letters and has a good reason for not writing back... but I think I'm going to send it, I mean, I've already written it, and it can't hurt to try one more time. If he doesn't answer this time, I'll stop.”

 

They went to the post office together. After the incident at the supermarket, Simon did his best to never let his boyfriend go off campus on his own. On the way there, an idea started forming in Simon's head.

“Hey, how about we go on a date tonight? Amy isn't coming over, as her roommate is having a party and Amy wants to be there...”

“That's a great idea!”

They immediately started planing it. They'd go to a nice restaurant near the student's apartments and have supper, then they would watch a movie. They couldn't decide on which movie, so they put it off by saying they would wait to see what mood they were going to be in to decide.

 

On the way home from the post office, Simon couldn't help it. There was a question that had been tormenting him since they'd left their flat. He had to ask Kieren about it.

"When I asked you earlier if Rick was your ex boyfriend, you answered sort of. What does that mean?"

"Oh, we weren't actually boyfriends, we were just a little closer that friends, that's all. Rick was far too ashamed of being gay to accept it and act like it. We only kissed twice, and we bad had a lot to drink before, so I don't think that really counts ... It was the day before he left for Afghanistan. I've never heard from him since. What was between us was nothing like what we have now, you and me."

Simon smiled at the last words. They showed how highly the teen thought of him. Not that Simon thought he deserved it, but it still made him feel important, and that was a good feeling. He wasn't used to feeling loved, to other people making him feel like he mattered. The only person who had seemed to care about him before university had been bis mother and, although he really loved her for that, it was what a mum was supposed to do.

But that is also what a father is supposed to do, Simon reminded himself, and his hadn't done that at all, after he came out as gay. The only thing he had done was becoming a drunk and a terrible father. His thoughts were interrupted by Kieren taking his hand in his own. The strawberry blond seemed to have realised his boyfriend's change of mood and was trying to comfort him. He was so sweet, always caring about others and putting them first, Simon thought. Part of him still couldn't believe that Kieren had chosen him as a boyfriend. He could have had so much better, but he fell in love with him, Simon Monroe, instead! And Simon was really glad he had.

"I love you", he insisted said emphatically and kissed Kieren softly on bis cheek.

The teen's face lit up with happiness that warmed Simon's heart. He loved to see those big brown eyes shining and that cute little smile Kieren had when he was happy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Kieren's first date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post this... I can't even use the excuse that I didn't have time to write, as I have a big part of this already written... But yeah, i had other things on my mind...

They had reached the students accommodations by then and were greeted by Amy, who was standing next to the entrance.

"Hey look at that, just who I was looking for! I'll come over to your flat for supper, if that's okay with you. I kinda got kicked out of my apartment for one night, they don't want me at their party, they said I was too weird to be there, or whatever, they don't know what they're missing out on. I'm great at parties! But at least it means that I've got more time to spend with my wonderful lovebirds! And that's going to be at least as entertaining and great as their stupid party for normal people!" Amy posed and looked at her friends' faces. They didn't look as pleased at the news, as she had expected, they rather seemed a bit embarrassed. "What? You don't want to see this face" - She pointed at her head - "around." She joked in attempt to hide her surprise and her disappointment; "I can't blame you for it."

"No, it's just ... me and Si, we sort of have plans for this evening. We were planning on going out ... On a date." Kieren explained.

"Oh! Well, then I don't want to interrupt anything ... Go on your date, I'll find somewhere to spend the night, don't worry about me." You could clearly see how happy Amy was for her friends.

"Wait, I've got an idea. Rachel is spending the night at her boyfriends and Mary sort of complains every time that she doesn't like being on her own, so maybe you could ask her?" Simon suddenly remembered. Mary and Rachel were their next-door neighbours.

They hadn't had much contact, but they seemed nice. And Mary would be really glad to have someone to talk to. "Come on, let's go ask her."

They went inside and knocked at Mary's door. It was silent for a while. Then a dark skinned slim girl opened. "Simon, Kieren! What a relief to see you and your friend. Rachel is already gone and I hate being home alone. Come on in!"

"Well, actually we wanted to ask you a favour ... Me and Simon, we're not going to be here tonight and our friend here, Amy, needs a place to stay, as her roommate sort of kicked her out for the night, so we were wondering if she could, maybe, well..." Kieren tried to explain. It made him feel bad to turn down her offer. She would be quite disappointed that they couldn't stay. And instead of spending some time with her while she was alone, they wanted her to accept someone she barely knew in her flat for the night. Suddenly, their idea didn't seem that good.

"I'd like to spend the night at yours, if it's okay with you?" Amy interrupted Kieren. She wasn't one for formal and indirect talks; she was more the straightforward kind of person. She didn't see what good it was to keep talking saying nothing, when you could just say what you wanted to. "Simon told me you didn't like being alone, so it would be a win-win situation."

The dark skinned girl smiled, shyly putting one of her plaits behind her ear. She wore a bandana to keep all her little plaits more or less in place, but every now and then one of them found it's way into her face. "That's a great idea! I've got a spare mattress and a sleeping bag you can use. You can go get the rest of what you need and come over as soon as you are ready. I'm Mary by the way."

"Oh, thank you! I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't accepted. I'd probably have ended up on a bench in the park." Amy step forward and squeezed Mary into a hug. "You know, Kieren and Simon are great guys, but as friends they are useless. I mean, the one time I need their help they can't offer me any!" She added jokingly.

"Hey, we're still here!" Kieren answered in a theatrically offended tone and nudged her playfully.

 

KIEREN:

Seeing Amy hugging Mary like that made Kieren smirk. They were so different in character and appearances, but still quite similar in some ways. Amy was full of energy, like a tornado, while Mary was rather introverted and a bit shy. But they both seemed to share their hippie-ish attitude, though Mary was much calmer and Amy more the wild type. They looked quite odd together, but Kieren was sure they were going to get along pretty well.

Amy had taken her stuff with her already, as she had supposed she would be staying with her friends, so she quickly kissed Simon and Kieren goodbye, wished them a wonderful evening and disappeared into the flat, followed by Mary.

 

The two men went to their flat and got ready for their date. Kieren showered first and while Simon was in the shower, he stood in front of his closet and tried to decide how to dress. He finally decided he would go with elegant clothes rather than punk, so he chose a cobalt blue button up shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans.

He went to the bathroom to style his hair a bit and when he came out of it, he heard a small whistle. Simon was standing there, in the hallway, leaning against the wall. He was wearing a white button up with a black jacket and black trousers and he had left the last few buttons and his jacket open.

"You look gorgeous!" Simon said with a crooked smile.

"Not looking too bad yourself." Kieren responded. He went over to his boyfriend and kissed him affectionately. "Ready to go?" He held out his hand. Simon took it and they walked out of the building.

 

The restaurant wasn't far away, so they went there on foot. It was a nice Italian restaurant with a very welcoming ambiance. The room was illuminated by electrical candleholders, which produced a warm light. A waiter came over to them and Simon asked for a table for two. They got the last free table, right next to two elderly couples.

Kieren sat down with his back to them. His knee started to tremble nervously. It was his first date and he didn't know what he was supposed to do or talk about. So he just sat there and looked at the menu, waiting for Simon to start talking.

"What are you having?" Simon asked. He obviously didn't know what to talk about either.

"Well, I think I'll have a pizza fungi. And I'd like to drink some red wine. What about you?"

"I don't know yet... Maybe some homemade pasta with pesto? Yeah, red wine sounds nice."

There was a brief silence.

"What are we supposed to talk about on dates?" Kieren asked, not really sure what to do.

"Well, you tell me. You've probably been on more dates than me."

Kieren laughed. How could Simon believe that? Judging by the way the Irishman looked, he had probably been on several dates already. "No, I don't think so ... This is actually my first date." He admitted.

Simon's eyes widened in disbelief, but this expression was mixed with happiness. "Really? Mine too ... I mean, i've been with other men, but not in a romantic way. More like one night stands."

This was Simon's FIRST date? Kieren hadn't expected that. In fact, the idea that he could have been Simon's first date hadn't even crossed his mind. It had been obvious for him that the older man must have had other boyfriends. But to know that this wasn't the case made him feel very special. He was still not used to the idea of being Simon's boyfriend and now he knew that he was even his first!

The waiter came again to take the order. Simon ordered for both. He had decided to take the pasta.

When the waiter had gone, Simon turned back to face Kieren. "I hope this goes well. I'd hate to fuck things up between us!"

"Me too ... " Then Kieren asked the question he had been wanting to ask since the first day he met Simon, but hadn't done so yet, as he was afraid of invading his roommate's personal space: "Hey, Si, I was wondering ... Why did you start uni at the age of twenty-two? You don't strike me like the kind of person who would want to stay at home any longer than necessary ... "

Simon answered that he had spent a few years in the USA. He had always dreamt of going there, so as soon as he had been old enough, he had left for America. He used to think that he would find his luck there and have a life like the ones in the American movies. So he had left with no intention of ever returning. However after a few months, he had realised that the US weren't much different from where he came from and the longer he stayed the more he got annoyed by the politics and morality of the US Americans. So he started saving money to leave. As soon as he had gathered enough money, he went back to Ireland, only to find that he didn't want to stay there either. So he applied for universities in the UK and that's how he ended up in Bristol.

Their meals arrived and they started eating. The pizza wasn't bad at all, but still not extraordinary. "Can I try some of your pasta? You'll get a slice of my pizza in exchange." He asked Simon.

The dark haired man nodded and put some pasta on his fork, which he then handed to Kieren. Instead of taking the fork in his own hands, the teen just opened his mouth and waited for Simon to feed him. His reaction made Simon laugh a bit and Kieren answered with an amused smile.

"They are really good!" Kieren exclaimed, as he cut a piece of his pizza and put it down on Simon's plate.

 

SIMON:

He enjoyed this date a lot. Although him just sitting there, in front of Kieren and eating with him was an everyday situation, the fact that it was an actual date made it much better. The only downside were the two couples of elderly people sitting behind the strawberry blonde. Every time he and Kieren were behaving a bit more like a couple on a date, he caught disdainful glances from them. Their behaviour reminded him of his dad, and this wasn't a good memory. However, he decided to just ignore them and enjoy himself.

 

When they finished their meal, Simon and Kieren just sat there, talking about random stuff and having a good time together. At some point Simon reached out with his hand to cover Kieren's, which had been lying on the table.

"Ugh, that's so disgusting! Next thing they'll be kissing each others!" one of the women on the other table hissed.

Kieren and Simon looked at each other with a shocked expression. Then Kieren's lips curved into a mischievous grin. Before Simon realized what was happening, the teen leaned forward until he was half standing and pressed his lips against Simon's. The Irishman had wanted to do that ever since they had been sitting at this table. He pulled the teen further into the kiss and tugged at his hair passionately. He felt Kieren's mouth open slightly and soon, their tongues were fighting for dominance in their mouths.

"That's gross!" the other woman exclaimed, her voice full of repugnance. "It should be forbidden! Ugh, seriously! Come on, let's pay and go home, I can't watch those two sinners any longer!"

There was a sound of chairs moving on the floor as the couples stood and left.

Simon felt his boyfriend smile against his lips and he too started smiling. Sometimes it was just so easy to get rid of homophobic people!

They broke the kiss to get some air and Kieren murmured in a victorious tone: "We've shown it to them!" And they went back to the kissing.

This time it felt even better, as they did it out of pure passion and not out of protest. It was much more intense. Kieren grabbed the back of Simon's neck with one hand, the other rested in his silky black hair. Feeling the need in the teen's kisses made Simon really happy. He could tell how much the other guy loved him, although he didn't see why. But the fact that Kieren did love him was more than enough for him right now. He reached out to cup the back of the teen's head.

 

When they finally broke apart gasping for air, their faces were pink and hot and very happy. They just stared at each other for a while, overwhelmed by the kiss, before a cough brought them back to reality. It was their waiter.

"Sorry to interrupt, but several customers are complaining about you being too affectionate. It would be nice if you could stop..." He clearly didn't feel comfortable having to tell them so.

Kieren looked at him with a polite smile. "Oh, don't worry, we were thinking we should go home anyway. Could you bring us the bill?''

As soon as the restaurant's door closed behind them, they were kissing again. He would never get bored of kissing his boyfriend, Simon thought. It felt so perfect, like it was always meant to be that way.

'We should go home, it's getting a bit cold." The Irishman suggested after the kiss was over. He had noticed Kieren trembling a bit and he didn't want him to get a cold. He took him by the hand and they went home.


	8. Chapter 8

AMY:

She was glad that her friends had had plans for that evening. If they hadn't had, she would never have met Mary. She was the most wonderful person Amy had ever met. From the first second on, it had been clear how similar they were, and once Mary had overcome her shyness, she had proven herself to be full of life and positivity. They had have a great evening, watching movies and chatting and when Simon and Kieren had come looking for her the next morning, Amy had felt the same way she used to when she had been a little child and her mother came and told her it was time to come home from the birthday party or the playground.

Since that day, Amy spent a lot of her time off with her new friend. After a few days, Mary had found a place in their little group. But Amy was jumping on every occasion to be alone with her. Every time Rachel was sleeping at her boyfriend's, Amy offered to stay with Mary, so she wouldn't have to be alone. And when Amy's roommate kicked her out, so she could have a 'nice time with normal people', Amy asked Mary instead of her other friends for a place to sleep. So she wouldn't be disturbed by whatever they do at night, she told herself every time. But that wasn't the truth, or at least not the whole truth. In reality, she just loved being alone with her. If Amy thought about it, it was almost as if she had feelings for her. But that couldn't be. Amy was straight. She knew it. She had fallen for men, she had even been with men! And she had definitely loved them. So what was happening? Surely she was just confused.

“I'm being foolish, there is no way I have feelings for her. She is just my best friend and it has been a while since I had such a good friend, so I'm just confusing this strong friendship with love. That has to be what's happening.” she decided, telling herself to stop thinking about this, that it would sort itself out if she just let it be for a while.

She went to the living room to watch TV in the hope that this could distract her from her thoughts. However, a bad surprise awaited her: Jenny was sitting on the couch watching her favourite program – some kind of stupid reality show Amy hated – and making out with her new boyfriend, so after making a disgusted and annoyed sound, Amy went back to her room and lost herself on the internet.

 

She had no idea how long she had been on her computer, when the door bell rang. She was in the middle of an interesting video, so she didn't leave the computer, thinking that Jenny could stand up and answer the door as well as she could. Nothing happened, and after a while the bell went again.

“AMY, GET THE FUCKING DOOR!”, she heard her roommate's voice from the living room.

“Yeah, 'course, 'cause I'm the only one in this house capable of doing so”, she called back, annoyed that Jenny thought she could just boss her around, like she was her mum.

“Look, I'm busy right now! And what if it is one of your disgusting friends, you know, the gay ones? How am I supposed to stand there and look at those abominations? No, YOU will get the door!”

Amy sighted and stood up. Jenny was really starting to get on her nerves and she didn't know how she was going to be able to take living with her for the rest of the year. Eight weeks with her had already been hard enough, especially since she learned about Kieren and Simon being together. It had turned out that Jenny was from a strongly conservative-religious family and had a soul-deep hatred for homosexual people to the point where she refused to talk to or even look at them.

Amy reached the door and opened it angrily. “What it is?” She asked with an irritated tone.

Mary, who was standing in the door frame, flinched visibly. Her hand started playing with one of her plaids absentmindedly, something she always did when she was feeling unsure or uncomfortable. “Did... did I do something wrong? I didn't want... to interrupt anything. It's just... well, I... er...”

Amy immediately felt bad for making her so insecure. How could she have forgotten that she was supposed to come anyway? Well, maybe that was confirming her earlier thoughts. She wouldn't have forgotten it if she really was in love with her. –Oh, shut up Amy!, she told herself.

“Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to shout at you. It's just... I had some kind of argument with Jenny and was pissed. I'm sorry I let it out on you!” Amy smiled at her friend. –What am I doing? Why am I explaining myself to her? I never do that! Amy thought confused. –Well, not never, you do it when you really care for someone, like when you are in love, a little voice told her. –That's not true! –Who are you kidding? You know it is. –Well, but I obviously care a lot about her, I mean, she is my best friend! –You sure this is the only reason?

“Amy? Are you alright?”, Mary interrupted her inner dialog. When she nodded, Mary continued: “Simon and Kieren send me to get you. They are ready.”

They had planed to do a barbecue today. It was the boys' cooking day, so they had to bring the meat and whatever it was that Kieren would be eating. The place they had chosen was inside the university park, so that they wouldn't have to carry the food and blankets too far away. As neither Simon nor Kieren wanted to make Amy's relation with her roommate more uncomfortable than it already was, they had decided they would send Mary to get her instead of doing it themselves and risking having Jenny answer the door.

 

The boys had already managed to light a fire and were staring at the flames, their backs turned towards them when Amy and Mary arrived. The girls immediately fell silent, both loving to watch their friends being intimate. Simon had his arm around Kieren's shoulder, while Kieren's head rested on his shoulder. They watched Simon turned his head, looking at his boyfriend with an expression full of admiration, saying something, then kissing him softly on the forehead, they saw Kieren looking up to him with the cutest smile. Amy looked at Mary, both of them grinning.

“I'm so proud of them, daring to be so open about their relationship. It can't be easy, having all those idiots judging them because of their love for each other.” Mary whispered. Amy nodded in agreement, but at the same time, she was trying to get that mental image of her and Mary standing where their friends where, kissing each other.

“Come on, let's make our presence known. We've been watching them long enough.” She said, hoping action would be a good distraction. “Hi boys! Not interrupting anything, are we?”

Kieren and Simon jumped and let go of the other one. “Hi Amy, hi Mary!” Kieren greeted them.

The girls reached the fire and, after being hugged by the other two, settled themselves on the other side of it.

“So, we have some sausages, brochettes – both vegetarian and with meat, some tofu and some chicken wings. What should we put on first?”, Kieren asked after they had had time to arrive. They each said what they'd prefer to have and Simon put it on the grillage.

Throughout the time they spent sitting there, talking and eating, Amy couldn't stop thinking about Mary and the way she felt about her. The more she thought, the more it seemed to her that those feeling where surprisingly familiar, like the ones she had had towards her ex-boyfriends. But still, it couldn't be, exactly because of her ex-boyfriends, or because of their existence, to be more precise. She was really confused and finally decided she needed someone else's opinion on that matter. And who better to ask than her gay BFF? He'd probably gone through a similar kind of struggling, before figuring out or at least accepting his sexuality.

“Er, Kieren?” She asked eventually, when she found the courage to do so.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk? Alone?”

He furrowed his brows in confusion, but nodded nonetheless. “Sure.”

They both stood up and left the fire. When they had reached a spot where the other two could neither hear nor see them, Kieren turned to face her. “Everything alright, Amy?”

“Well, yeah... I think... I just..”, she hesitates. It's not like her to be so unsure, and by the look on Kieren's face, he had noticed it too. “I wanted to ask you something, but not in front of everyone.”

“Yes?” Kieren looked at her with a mixture of concern and confusion.

“Hey, it's nothing to worry about, silly!”, she answered, sounding much more like herself now. “I...” She took a deep breath. “I think I might have fallen for a girl.” Kieren's face lit up with relief and happiness. “That's great! Who's she?” “You don't understand, dum-dum. I can't have fallen for her, I'm straight.”  
“So, why would you think you've fallen for her, then?"

And Amy explained everything she had been thinking about for the past week. When she finished, Kieren was smirking at her. “Well, it sounds pretty much like you love her to me. Mary's a lucky girl.”

“But how can I be straight and be in love with a girl?”

“Maybe you are not as straight as you think.” Kieren was still smirking.

“But I've been in love with boys!” Amy was even more confused now.

“Well, Amy, have you ever heard of something called being bisexual?”

She hadn't. So Kieren explained it to her. Apparently, bisexuals were people attracted to both gender, which would explain why she could fall in love with girls as well as with boys. That knowledge made Amy feel better, in some ways. She could finally accept her feelings towards Mary as actual love, so that problem was solved. But at the same time, a new one was created: How was she supposed to act on her newly accepted feelings? That's a problem for another day, she decided as they both went back to the fire. The evening continued as if nothing had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the happy time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieren gets a letter with news from Rick.
> 
> Life is a bitch like always and doesn't like people to be happy for too long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will answer that anon's question about Rick.

“Hey, I forgot, I need to get some books from the library for that stupid history of art paper. I'll see you at the flat,” Simon said.

They were on the way home from their last class. Kieren nodded and Simon turned around, and walked back to the building they had just left, promising he wouldn't be long.

Kieren walked Amy to her flat, wished her a nice evening and went back to his own place. When he opened the door, he noticed the postcard lying on the floor. His heart made a jolt. Was it Rick who had finally decided to write back? He was dying to hear from him and his experiences in the army!

He hastily took off his shoes and his jacket, picked up the card and hurried to his room. He sat down on his bed, and turned the card around to see the handwriting of his little sister. A bit disappointed that it wasn't Rick, but still really happy that his sister had thought of him, he started to read.

 

“Dear brother,  
I saw this postcard yesterday and it reminded me of you, so I bought it. I miss you so  
much!

Are you alright? You haven't phoned in a while and me and our parents are starting to get really worried...”

 

This made Kieren feel really bad. How could he forget to phone them? Of course his sister would be worried. She had been the one who found him that terrible day, lying in that cave, covered in his own blood. She still had a trauma and Kieren knew it was worse than she admitted. He had heard her waking up screaming his name nearly every night since that accident.

He made a mental note to call her after he would have finished reading her letter.

 

“...especially since what happened. The news of Rick's death has shaken everyone in Roarton, but for you, it must have been really terrible. I really hope you are okay, or at least, that you will be.

Call me, please!

 

Love

Jem”

 

Kieren felt the blood drain from his face and his heartbeat stop. The hands that hold the letter started to tremble as he read it over and over again. Rick's death. Just two words, yet powerful enough to make his world fall apart. Rick, the friend he had known for ever, his first love, was dead. Gone. Just like that.

“This can't be true!”, he breathed “He can't be ...” he couldn't say the word. Saying it seemed like admitting it. He had the feeling that as long as he didn't say the words, it would not be true. He let the letter fall to the floor, as his trembling hands moved slowly towards his face, his body rocking back and forth. He fisted his hair. His breath came faster and faster.

He didn't know for how long he had been sitting there, pulling at his hair and hyperventilating, when he heard Simon call his name. He didn't answer. He didn't have the strength to do it.

 

SIMON

Where the hell was Kieren? Why hadn't he said hello when Simon had come home? Why hadn't he answered when he had called him? Simon frowned. That wasn't like Kieren at all.

Maybe he had gone out for a while? No, his shoes where in the entrance.

Simon went to the living room, but Kieren wasn't there, so he tried the kitchen. It was empty too. He was getting more and more worried. Something was wrong. There were only two rooms left, both their bedrooms. Kieren had no reason to be in Simon's, so the most logical theory wold be that he was in his own room. But Kieren didn't like being in his room, except for sleeping. Still, he had to try it.

Simon knocked lightly at Kieren's door and said softly: “Kier? You in there?” No answer.

“Is it okay if I come in?”

Silence.

Simon opened the door and was relieved to see that his boyfriend was on his bed. But nearly instantly, his relieve turned into worry. Kieren looked terrible.

He went over to the bed and sat down next to him, putting and arm around his shoulder. “Hey, what's wrong?”

Kieren didn't look up, let alone answer him. After a little while however, he let himself lean against Simon. Simon began to tenderly caress his boyfriends hair, not knowing what else to do.

“Shh, darling, it's okay, it's okay, shh” He tried to comfort him.

Somehow, his words triggered something in Kieren. He suddenly looked up, his eyes full of despair, sadness and rage.

“No! It's not!” His voice was filled with the emotion reflected in his eyes. “How can you say that? HOW CAN YOU THINK IT IS?!”

Shocked by his reaction, Simon backed away a little. Only then he noticed the tears on his boyfriends face. This tore his heart apart. What could possibly have happened to make him so sad and angry?

“Hey, Kier, can you tell me what happened?” Simon said softly.

“Rick...” Kieren whispered, barely audible. The rage had left his voice, leaving only a soul deep sadness. That's when Simon saw the letter. Wondering with disgust what Rick might have said that affected Kieren so much, Simon reached for it.

“May I?” he inquired.

Kieren didn't react.

He hesitated for a while, then slowly, so that Kieren would have time to protest if he  
wanted to, he picked up the card. He was surprised when he saw that it was from Jem. He frowned. Was it just a coincidence that the letter was there? It probably had nothing to do with the way Kieren was feeling. He said it himself, it was because of Rick, not his sister. If that was the case, he had no right to read that postcard. But then again, maybe it wasn't a coincidence, maybe Jem told him something that had to do with Rick. The chance was slim, but if it was the case and reading that letter could in any way help him understand what was wrong and therefore what might make Kieren feel better, he should read it, he decided.

 

When he finished reading it, he immediately took Kieren into a hug, trying to show him that he was there for him and that he knew how terrible he felt.

“Oh, Kieren! That's terrible! I'm so sorry!” He knew that wouldn't help much, but he had no idea what else to say. Kieren and Rick had been really close and learning about his death must have been terrible for his boyfriend. Especially since he blamed himself for Rick joining the army. When he had learned about that, he had already been devastated to the point that...

Suddenly, Simon felt panic spread through his body. When Kieren had learned about Rick joining the army he had tried to end his life! So what was he going to do about his friend being dead? Simon dreaded the thought of it.

He hold Kieren a bit longer, trying to ignore his panic in an attempt to be of more comfort to him. But sitting there, with him in his arms, looking so broken and so vulnerable, his panic grew to the point where he couldn't help it, but had to share it.

“Look, Kieren, I know you must feel horribly hopeless and sad, but I need you to promise me something, okay?” he asked softly.

Kieren lifted his head that had been resting on Simon's chest and looked at him with a tired, but inquiring look. His features where filled with pain and his eyes reddened from the tears that where still pouring down his face. To see him like that hurt Simon more than he could imagine. And he felt terribly helpless. He wanted him to be happy again, but there was nothing he could do to achieve that.

“Please, promise me that you won't do anything stupid. I know it is hard to believe, but life goes on and the pain will fade away eventually. And I'm here for you, if you need me, as are Amy and Mary. However hopeless that situation may appear to you now, I'm begging you, please don't do anything that you might regret later!”

 

KIEREN

Simon's words slowly penetrated the dark emptiness that was inside Kieren. When he finally understood what he was saying and to what he was referring, Kieren emerged from the deep, dark, painful hopelessness that he was feeling, just enough to acknowledge his surrounding. That's when he realized how worried Simon must be for him and that gave him the strength to find his voice again.

“I promise.” he managed to say in a faint and unsteady voice.

Simon's relieve was obvious. The embrace, in which Simon was holding him, became tighter and he buried his face in Kieren's hair.

“Do you want me to get you something?”, Simon murmured against his head.

Sudden fear of being left alone seized him. Not for anything in the world did he want to leave Simon's arms. Simon's presence gave him security and comfort.

"Stay, please." He whispered.

"Okay."


	10. Chapter 10

They had been sitting there, holding each other in silence for a few hours when Kieren suddenly remembered how Jemima's letter had begun. They were worried about him at home and they had every right to be. He needed to put their minds at rest. He freed himself of Simon's arms an stood up shakily. To his boyfriends questioning look, he answered: “I have to phone my sister, she is probably dying of worry right now. I don't want her to think I might... well... you know...”

“Well, then don't keep her waiting any longer. I bet she will be really glad to hear your voice.”

 

The phone rang twice and Jem picked up.

“Kieren!” The joy in her voice was not to be overheard.

“Hi Jem”, Kieren answered in a flat voice.

“Oh god! It's so good to hear from you! I was worried sick! I was even thinking of buying  
a train ticket to Bristol to go see if you were alright.”

“I got your letter today. I'm sorry I forgot to call.” his voice was emotionless and weary – a  
result of the emptiness and exhaustion the news of Rick's death had brought with them.

“Are you alright? Please don't tell me you called to say goodbye! I need you to stay with  
us, to get over what happened, even if that might seem impossible right now. I...”

“No, I'm not. Not yet, anyway. It's just... I didn't know. About Rick. No one told me. I  
found out through your card...”

“Oh Kieren, I'm so sorry! I'm so fucking sorry! I'm sorry this happened and that I am not  
there for you. If you want to, I can skip school for one week and come to Bristol.”

“It's alright, don't endanger your education for me. I have friends here to turn to if I'm feeling bad and I can phone you any time if I need you. But if you want to, you can come and spend a weekend in Bristol. Then I could show you were I live and you could meet Simon.” It  
was only when he spoke those words that he realised how much he wanted her to come.  
“Simon? That's your flatmate, right? The one you find so attractive. Yeah, I'm looking  
forward to that. See you on friday evening!”

“Yes, he is, among other things. But actually, he is more than that. He's my boyfriend.” He  
added with a proud smile. Talking to his sister made him feel better. He was so lucky to have her.

“Oh, that's great! I'm happy for you. From what you told me, he seems to be a wonderful person, someone worthy of you! I gotta go now. Mum is waiting in the car...”

“Bye! Call me when you arrive, so I can pick you up at the bus stop.”  
“I will.”  
And she hung up.

 

When Kieren put down the phone, Simon was smiling at him.

“What is it? Why are you smiling like that?”

“Well, where do you want me to start? Firstly, you seem to feel a lot better, which is great. Secondly, I'm going to meet your sister in two days, and though I'm a bit nervous about that, I'm looking forward to getting to know her. Thirdly, I'm amused by the fact that you seriously forgot to mention you had a boyfriend for two weeks. And last but not least, I didn't know you'd think so highly of me to tell your sister such good stuff about me that she thinks I'm worthy of being loved by you.”

“Of course you are worthy of my love. Don't ever doubt that. And try not to worry too much about meeting my sister, you'll love each other.”

 

After a few minutes, the memories of Rick returned and Kieren felt his mood fall again. His smile faded and the emptiness returned. He sat back down on his bed, asking Simon to hold him again.

 

SIMON

Simon took him into his laps and hold him as close to him as possible. They sat like that, Kieren crying again, Simon softly caressing his hair and kissing the top of his head every now and then, until Kieren fell asleep. Then Simon carefully laid Kieren down on the bed and stood up to make some coffee. He intended to watch over him throughout the night, just in case he woke up and needed someone to comfort him. And to do so would require a shit load of coffee.

He had been in Kieren's room for a while, when someone knocked on the door. This had to be Amy, she was the only one who would choose to knock instead of using the doorbell. After making sure Kieren was still fast asleep, he went to the door and opened it. He found himself facing a worried and a bit pissed looking Amy.

“What happened? Why didn't you come to Mary's flat for supper? I hope you have a good explanation for that.” She said in a tone a mother would use when she is about to punish her child.

“Shh, not so loud, you don't want to wake Kieren.” Simon whispered back.

All the anger vanished from her face. “Why is Kieren already asleep? Is he sick?”

Simon shook his head. “He is exhausted from all the crying, I suppose. He got some really  
bad news today...”

“What happened?”

“Rick's dead.”

“Oh, shit. That must have hit him badly. Is he okay?”

“He will be. At least I hope so... He sort of blames himself for Rick's death, because he  
thinks that he was the reason Rick joined the army in the first place. We'll have to look after him in the next few days, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Which makes me think, could you take notes for both of us tomorrow? He'll need to stay home and I have to be there for him.”

“Of course!”

“Thank you.”

“I'll be coming over at lunchtime, to see how he is doing. If any of you need me, I'll have  
my mobile turned on all day. Don't worry too much about Kieren. He's smart, even though he is suffering, he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would do something stupid.” She smiled weakly.

Simon felt a mere hint of surprise beneath all his worry for his boyfriend. She didn't know. For once, she was wrong about a person. How come Kieren never told her? He wondered. But then again, Kieren had only told him because Simon had nearly begged him to show him his scars.

“What is it? You don't look like you agree with that.”

“I... I...” Simon stuttered, not knowing how to answer. He couldn't tell her. It was Kieren's secret and it was up to him to decide who should know and who not.ä

At that moment, Kieren mumbled something in his sleep.

“I need to go back to him.” Simon finally said, relieved to have found a way to escape her question.  
But Amy kept looking at him inquiringly.

“I'm not that sure.” He said eventually, already turning to go to Kieren's room. “Good night, Amy.” 

And he vanished into his boyfriend's room, barely noticing Amy's goodbye.

 

KIEREN

When he woke up, he was surprised to see Simon sitting on his bed, watching him carefully with his piercing blue eyes.

“Good morning. How are you feeling, love?”, the Irishman asked in a soft loving voice.

Kieren half sat up and smiled warmly at him. “I'm fine. I had a really terrible dream, though. Something about my sister writing me, telling me Rick was –“ Seeing the concerned look on Simon's face, he glanced down and his eyes found the postcard lying on the floor. The smile vanished from his lips. He felt a cold emptiness spread through his body, as the realisation came.  
It hadn't been a dream.  
He let himself fall back down on his bed, covering his face with his hands.

He felt Simon's soothing hand gingerly stroking his hair and had he not been so dead inside, he would probably have smiled. But he didn't find the strength to do anything. Or maybe it was the motivation that he lacked. Everything seemed to have become pointless.

After a while, Simon broke the silence. “Do you need anything? Maybe some hot chocolate or something to eat? Or some time on your own?”

He had stopped stroking his hair while he talked. The lack of this little physical contact led to a strong feeling of being lost and lonely, as the nothingness inside him deepened. He shook his head weakly.

“Just stay...please...” he murmured, barely audible.

“Of course love, I'm right here.” Simon resumed stroking the strawberry blond hair.

 

SIMON

It was a relief to hear the knock on the door around half past twelve. Not that Simon didn't like staying with Kieren and comforting him, but having been awake all night and not eaten anything since lunch the day before, he was really looking forward to taking a break. To add to that, even though Simon would not tell Kieren about it, it hurt like hell to see his boyfriend like this and not being able to do anything else than letting him know that he was there.

“Kieren, is it okay if leave for a sec to get the door? I'll be back in no time.” He asked. Kieren's nod was barely identifiable as such.

Simon stood up and went to greet Amy.

 

“Hi! How is he?” She inquired in a concerned voice.

“Not good. He...” – Simon yawned – “...hasn't moved or talked to me all day. But it is normal, given the situation, isn't it?”

“Yeah, suppose so... How about you, Simon? Have you had any sleep at all?”

“No, but that doesn't matter. He needs me, so I've got to be there for him.”

Amy shook her head in disapproval. “Simon, you've got to take care of yourself too. Take a  
break! Don't worry, I'm going to look after him while you take a nap. I've asked Rachel to take notes for us. I told her Kieren wasn't feeling well and that we needed to look after him.”

Simon thanked her for this, although he didn't know how to feel about it. Logic told him that this was the only sensible way to go on about this, but his heart was a bit disappointed. To be the one taking care of Kieren had made him feel special and needed.

 

They went into Kieren's room. He still hadn't moved, his eyes were unfocused. Amy sat down next to him and put a flick of hair behind his ear. “Hi Kieren. Simon is going take a break. I'll be looking after you instead for a while, okay?”

Fear appeared on his emotionless face. “Why? Why can't he stay? I need him!”

This warmed Simon's heart a bit, but at the same time made it ache too. He didn't want to leave him either, but he really had to eat and sleep.

“Kieren, Simon has been watching over you all night. He didn't sleep and I doubt he ate. I don't think he wants to leave you, but he's got to take care of himself too!”

Kieren suddenly lifted his head. “Oh god, I'm such a awful boyfriend! How could I forget about what he needs? I'm sorry Si.” Strength had returned to his voice. His bad conscience about forgetting to care for his boyfriend seemed to have waken him from his trance-like state. He sat up shakily with the shadow of an apologetic smile on his lips. “Thanks for looking after me.”

The sight of his boyfriend looking better made Simon smile too. “Don't worry about it. If you need me, I'll always be there for you. Do you want to come to the living room and have something to eat? I was going to make some pasta for myself anyway.”

But Kieren declined the offer, saying he wasn't hungry, so Simon went on his own. All the while through lunch he thought about Kieren, wondering if things would ever be the same with him now, and if not, what might change. He thought that all this inner monologue would keep him from sleeping, but he was to be proven wrong: as soon as he had laid his head on his pillow, he fell in a deep sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon gets to meet jem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me longer than usual to update. I'm not home and i don't have much time to write stuff...  
> I hope you'll enjoy reading!

When he woke up, Kieren and Amy where sitting in the living room, talking a bit to each other. Kieren seemed to be a lot better, though he was still much silenter than usual, and his smile was, whenever it was present, much less from the heart. Still, it was a great improvement and Simon was incredibly glad for it. He stopped in the doorframe watching them, a tender expression on his face.

When Kieren looked around and saw him, a smile spread over the teen's face. It didn't quite reach his eyes, but it was a start.

Having been seen, Simon was forced to leave his doorframe and join the others. He sat down next to Kieren, such that their shoulder were brushing. He would have liked to take him into his arms, but he had a strange feeling that the strawberry blond needed a bit of space. He feared that too much physical contact might remind him of the fact that he was sad, and the Irishman didn't want to lose that precious little curve on his boyfriend's lips. So he decided to watch him instead. His eyes went from his smile to his big brown eyes, got caught on his incredibly long eyelashes and continued to his fluffy ginger-blond hair.

No matter how many time he admired his features, he still couldn't believe he had actually made someone so beautiful fall in love with him. He was such a lucky man!

 

KIEREN

The sky was already dark blue and the first stars had appeared when Amy left. She hadn't wanted to, but she had suddenly remembered promising Rachel to come and get the notes from her. And Mary had asked her for her help in some kind of project she had in mathematics.

As soon as she had left their flat, Kieren let himself rest against Simon's chest for a while, then he tilted his head back and softly kissed Simon on the underside of his chin.

“Thank you for looking after me”, he murmured. He felt a bit better now. Of course he was still devastated about Rick's death, but at least he felt alive again. The company had done him good.  
He was tired, but he didn't want to admit it, for this would mean having to break the soothing contact with Simon and be on his own and he wasn't sure he could handle that.

His tiredness must have shown in his expression, for Simon said: “You should go to bed if you're tired, you know. Sleep has always been known as one of the best medicine.”

“Yeah, I know...” Kieren replied, the continued hesitantly “I just... Simon, can we share a bed tonight? I don't want to be alone.” He looked up at the older man pleadingly.

“Of course we can. Come on then, lead the way.”

Kieren went to his room, followed closely by Simon, who had put a reassuring hand on the teen's waist. They changed into some pyjama and went to sleep, their bodies entwined and Kieren's head resting on Simon's chest.

Simon's presence and the physical contact kept the terrible thoughts and feelings away, like a save haven shields a ship from storms and waves. Kieren finally managed to relax enough to fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.

 

When he woke up the next day, it was already afternoon. Simon was still lying next to him, watching him fondly. By the look of it, he had already been awake for a while.

“Hi, Kieren.” He murmured, stroking his cheek adoringly. “How did you sleep?”

Kieren smiled weak but genuine smile. “Pretty well. How long have you been awake?” 

“Only an hour and a half. I wanted to get up and make us lunch, but I couldn't bring myself  
to do so. You looked so at peace while you slept and I was afraid that moving would wake you up, so I stayed in bed. Not that I minded, though. I love watching you sleep.”

Kieren's cheek turned a little pink.

 

SIMON

Kieren was a bit better that day. Maybe the worst was over and he had passed the stage of shock, but Simon thought it was much more probable that it had to do with the fact that Jem was coming in the evening. He could tell how much Kieren loved his little sister. Every time he mentioned her, a small light lit in his eyes. And Jem coming also meant they had to tidy up their flat a little and prepare a room for her, which kept Kieren busy. Actually doing something might be another reason for the improvement of Kieren's mood. It helped keeping unhappy thoughts away.

All the same, Simon was really glad. As the day went on and, apart from a few dampers like the time he found a shirt Rick had given him while cleaning his room, Kieren's mood didn't fall – if anything, it went up a bit – Simon felt a knot untie in his guts. His boyfriend was going to be okay, he was sure of that now. He might not be yet, but he was going to. The only thing the Irishman was still worrying about all day, was meeting Kieren's sister. He had never met any family members of any of his previous partner, as none of them had been serious relationships. But his worry was paired with excitement too, at meeting someone Kieren was so fond of, and who seemed to be about as fond of Kieren.

After what seemed like an extremely long evening, Kieren's phone rang. Jem was at the bus stop, waiting for them. While the strawberry blond's face lit up with excitement Simon grew even more nervous. What if they didn't get along? What if –

“Are you coming?” Kieren's impatient voice interrupted his thoughts. He had already put on his shoes and his jacket and was waiting at the door, hands on the handle.

“Yeah, sure, just a sec.”

Simon hurriedly dressed himself to go outside and joined his boyfriend at the now open door. He tried to ignore the growing anxious feeling that the prospect of meeting Jem caused him, but it was hard. His worry must have shown in his face, because Kieren wrapped his arm tightly around his waist and smiled reassuringly at him.

“Don't worry, you'll get along just great!”

To Simon's great relief, Kieren kept his arm wrapped around him all the way to the bus stop.

 

Simon hadn't pictured her that way. Due to the way Kieren talked about her, he had expected her to be a frail little girl, with big innocent poppy-eyes. The girl waiting for them at the bus stop however, was the exact opposite: Her long hair was dyed dark red and she wore a jacket with a military pattern on it, as well as combat boots and some loose, torn, black trousers. Around her wrist, Simon spotted some studded armbands. She looked like one of those badass girls you don't want to annoy. But this entire show was broken the moment she spotted her brother. A loving expression covered her face, mixed with relief and the very admiration, on the verge to worship, reserved exclusively for elder siblings.

“Kieren!” She shouted and ran straight to him, hugging him firmly. The hug forced Simon and Kieren to let go of each other. Simon stood awkwardly next to them, watching the happy siblings reunion with a fond smile.

After a quick catch up on each others lives, Jem turned to Simon. When he felt her attention, he immediately started fumbling with the end of his sleeves, a nervous habit he had. 

“So, you're Simon? I've been dying to meet you! Kieren told me so much about you. He seems very fond of you.” A dimple appeared when she smiled lopsidedly at him. Simon had barely time to blush at her last comment before she took one more step towards him, standing a little too close for comfortable personal space, her smile suddenly vanished and looking at him in a slightly threatening way. In a voice so low it was only for Simon to hear, she added: “Don't you dare hurting him, or you'll have to answer to me.”

Taken aback by that threat, Simon got even less comfortable. “I would rather die than let anything hurt your brother.” He answered truthfully, trying to appear calm. “Heard a lot about you, too. Always speaks very highly of you, that brother of yours.” His lips curled into a genuine smile.  
Jem punched his shoulder playfully, relaxing the tension between them. Then she turned back to Kieren with a “Come on, you need to show me your place!” and they went home.

Despite the first impression, Jem turned out to be a warm-hearted, self-assured girl, who just happened to be a bit overprotecting of her older brother – not in a bad way though. Simon couldn't possibly hold it against her. Hell, he would be at least as protective of his brother if he had a brother as incredible as Kieren.

 

After dinner, Jem stood up and murmured something sounding like 'oh shit, I nearly forgot about it' and went to Kieren's room, where she had put her backpack. She came back to the living room, her hands hidden behind her back.

“I've got something for you, Kier.” She handed him what looked like a CD. “It's a mix CD. You made one for me once, when I needed it, so I figured I should return the favour.”

“Ta, Jem!” Kieren beamed at her. He took the CD into his hands, holding it like it was a holy artifact, rather than just some music.

“I put some music on it that isn't really like the stuff you listen to, but I figured you'd still like it. It's much calmer though.”

Kieren turned the CD case around to read the names of the songs. There were some he recognised, mostly metal ones, as his sister was into metal rather than punk.

In my sword I trust – Ensiferum  
Ten more miles – Turisas  
Yarilo – Arkona  
Nemo – Nightwish  
Unbesiegt – Equilibrium  
Hand of Sorrow – Within Temptation  
Thousendfold – Eluveitie  
Pale –Within Temptation  
Eva – Nightwish  
Stand up and fight – Turisas  
11\. Blut im Auge – Equilibrium  
12\. Omnos – Eluveitie  
13\. Amen and Attack – Powerwolf  
14\. It Snows in Hell – Lordi  
15\. Mainstream shit – Half past Six

“Got a folk metal phase, have you?” Kieren laughed, looking at the names. He knew most of them, but had never actually listened to their songs. Within Temptation and Half past Six however, he had never heard of. “Looking forward to listening to it.”

“Oh, if yer wondering, Half past Six is a young, unknown alternativ-punk-rock band I discovered in a dark corner of the internet.”

 

They talked until late into the night. After that, they went to sleep, both Walkers in Kieren's room and Simon in his own. To Simon's disappointment, they had deemed it inappropriate to share a bed with Jem in the house. Although, in opposition to what Amy seemed to think, they had never actually done anything more than kissing and making out, but Jem didn't know that, and it would have made the situation uncomfortable for all three of them. Still, his bed felt cold and empty without his boyfriend lying next to him. He could hear the chatter from the room next door through the wall and suddenly felt lonely and left out. He was playing with the thought of taking his mattress to Kieren's room, but decided against it. The siblings needed some time on their own.

 

The next day, they took Jem to some kind of sightseeing. They went to the Downs, where they spent about half the morning, before the cold mid-november air and the steady rain forced them to go inside some café and get some hot chocolate.

Watching Jem and Kieren joking together and punching each other playfully every now and then for what seemed like the hundredth time since Jem arrived, Simon wondered what had caused a relationship that close between these two. From what he'd heard, siblings, even those who get along really well, still tend to get into a fight every now and then. But for Kieren and Jemima, this rule didn't seem to apply. When he asked them about it, Jem flinched visibly. Kieren answered instead of her “Well, i suppose that's what happens when a person saves another.”

Simon frowned. He wasn't used to vague answers from his boyfriend. But the strawberry blond's tone made it clear that he didn't want to speak about it, so Simon bit back his next question.

 

A few minutes passed in silence, until Jem stood up and went to the bathroom.

“I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for her.” Kieren said suddenly. Simon was taken by surprise and it took him a while to realise he was getting his answer. “She saved my life. She was the one who found me the day I... the day I... I tried to... you know...” He made a vague gesture towards his wrist and Simon understood. When he tried to end his life. “She tries to avoid thinking about it, you know. When she found me, she thought I was already dead. And she is quite traumatised by that day's events. She's pretending she is coping just fine, but I know better. I used to hear her waking up in the middle of the night, screaming my name and something along the lines of 'so much blood' and 'please don't be dead'. She saved me that night, but the prize to pay was high. She'll be scarred forever. Things like that can build strong bonds between people.” When he finished talking, a sad and apologetic smile appeared on his lips. Simon reached out a hand to cover Kieren's and squeezing it gently. A sign of support and thank for trusting him with this painful information.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry you had to waite for so long for that chapter and that it's relatively short and not really good. I'll try to make it up next time...

That night, Simon was woken by a panicked voice screaming Kieren's name. His heart froze with fear. He jumped out of bed, ignoring the dizziness due to him suddenly standing up. Trailing an hand against the wall trying to steady himself, he hurried to the his boyfriend's bedroom. He slammed the door open and let out a sigh of relief.

Kieren was sitting on his sister's mattress, holding her reassuringly. “Shh,shh, it was just a dream, Jem, just a dream.”

When he looked up at Simon, there were tears in his eyes. Seeing his boyfriend was hurting, Simon slowly walked into the room towards the siblings. He sat down in front of them, watching Jem's panicked expression relax. She wiped her tears off her face with an angry hand gesture, obviously ashamed of having been discovered in a moment of weakness.

Kieren yawned loudly.

“Go back to sleep, Kieren, I'm fine.” Jem told him. And then added, barely audible: “I'll be fine.”

“No, you're not. And you know that. I can't just go back to sleep, knowing you'll stay up for a long time, alone, not able to go back to sleep. I...”

“You're sister's right, Kier. If you're tired, you should go back to sleep. I'll stay up with her, if that is any comfort to you.”

Seeing he had no chances whatsoever of winning this argument, as both his sister and his boyfriend could be fucking stubborn if they wanted to, he sighed and went back to his bed. A few moment later, the faint sound of snores filled the silence of the room.

“Thanks for doing that for me, Simon. Backing me against Kieren, staying up for me.”

“Oh, it's nothing, really. Kieren needs the sleep and besides, I owe you so much.” Seeing Jem's confusion, he looked her in the eyes and added: “Kieren told me about what happened, about these dreams and why you get them. Thanks for saving him.”

Jem smiled weakly. “You really love him, don't you?”

Simon nodded.

“So you're not gonna leave him.” Although it was a statement, Jem said it like a question. 

“Not if I can help it.” Simon answered solemnly.

“He's lucky to have you. I'm glad you found each other. It's good to know Kieren has  
someone to look after him.”

 

KIEREN

He was the first to wake up next morning. Looking at his sister's bed, he was glad to see that she had managed to fall asleep again. Then his eyes wandered further through the room, until he saw Simon. His lips stretched to form an adoring smirk. His boyfriend sat on the floor, his back against the wall, fast asleep. He's so cute, Kieren thought, he really stayed up, looking after my sister, without even being asked to do so. I'm lucky to have him!

He sat in his bed, watching the two persons dearest to him in their sleep, until Simon woke up. His eyelashes batted lazily a few times, then he looked around, trying to orientate himself, massaging his stiff neck. His eyes found Kieren's and he smiled, then stood up and came to sit next to him, putting his arms around Kieren's shoulder. The strawberry blond melted against his boyfriend's body.

“I feel so guilty sometimes.” Kieren whispered against shoulder, watching his sister.

He felt Simon's soothing hand in his hair. “I know.” Simon murmured back. “I saw you yesterday.”

 

They were eating breakfast together, the incident of the night forgotten, when there was a knock on the door. Kieren opened the door and Amy came running past him towards the dining table.

“Hi Kieren's sis! Nice finally meeting you!” Amy came in like the whirlwind of positivity she always was.

“Er... Jem, that's my best friend Amy.” Kieren introduced them awkwardly.

 

They seemed to get along pretty well, which Kieren was really glad about. They spent the rest of the day together in their flat, as it was raining quite badly outside, and it was a day all of them would keep as a good memory.

Eventually, the evening came, and with it the time to say goodbye.

“Will you be okay without me to look after you, little brother?” Jem asked, punching him in the shoulder. She had taken to call him 'little brother' a few years ago, as a display of affection hidden behind some teasing. It had started when one day someone mistook her for the elder sister and Kieren had been piqued about it for the rest of that day.

Kieren returned the punch. “Of course. I don't know how I managed that, but I've got friends to look after me now.”

After Jem had said goodbye and told both Simon and Amy to look after her brother for her, she left. 

Amy stayed only a little longer, but then went to see Mary again, leaving Kieren and Simon alone again.

Although Kieren would never admit it to Jem or Amy, he was somehow glad they had left. As much as he had enjoyed their company, he was longing for some time alone with his boyfriend.

 

SIMON

“So, we have the flat to ourselves again.” Kieren smiled mischievously.

“Yeah, looks like it.” Before he knew what happened, he felt Kieren's mouth against his. He smiled into the kiss. It was great to have his happy Kieren back. Jem really had a miracle-like gift for cheering up her brother. It seemed like he had totally forgotten about Rick.

Kieren opened his lips a little. An invitation to which Simon answered immediately, opening his mouth too and slipping his tongue into the strawberry blond's mouth.

From that point on it wasn't long until they were both lying shirtless on top of each other on the sofa. Kieren's hands were tracing patterns on Simon's bare back, while Simon traced his mouth along his lover's collarbones, biting and sucking a little every now and then. He felt Kieren shiver slightly with pleasure beneath him, then his lips on his shoulder, as he stifled a moan.

Oh god, seeing Kieren like that was so hot! He thought, as he moved his hands down Kieren's back and slipped them under his waistband. Then, slowly, giving Kieren time to react if he wasn't okay with this, his hands found their way into the other man's underpants, cupping his bare ass cheeks. Kieren let another small moan escape his mouth and started peppering kisses along Simon's neck, sucking a little too hard sometimes. He would probably have love bites next morning, but Simon didn't care.

 

“It's late, we should go to bed.” Simon remarked reluctantly after a quick look at the clock. It was already past midnight, and they had lectures the next day.

“Will you sleep in my bed tonight? I missed your presence this weekend.”

Simon's heart warmed up at this request. “With pleasure.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> this chapter contains self-harm and suicidal thoughts

_** KIEREN ** _

 

“Do you really have to go?”, Kieren asked. A few weeks had passed since his sister had payed them a visit. Kieren had been back to school after that weekend and had nearly managed to live a normal life again, at least on the outside. 

“You know I have to. Julian is an old friend of mine and we haven't seen each other for several years now. You're going to be fine. I'll only be away for the weekend,“ Simon smiled reassuringly, before planting a soft kiss on Kieren's forehead. 

Kieren sighed. He didn't want his boyfriend to leave, especially not this weekend. He had been dreading the next day even before that phone call at the beginning of the week during which Julian asked Simon to spend the weekend together. He had tried to ask Simon to stay several times already, but he couldn't force Simon to do so if he didn't want to, he had a right to live his own life too.

“See you on Sunday evening.” 

“Yeah, see you,” Kieren answer reluctantly.

“Oh, come on, you'll be fine! And Amy's here, if you need someone.”

Kieren shrugged, but Simon didn't seem to understand the deeper meaning of it. He just leaned forward and kissed him goodbye. Kieren deepened the kiss, desperately pressing his lips against the other man's, as if his life depended on it.

Simon broke away, frowning in confusion, then left.

Kieren stood in front of the door for a while, until he finally managed to move to his room and laid down on his bed, drained of all energy and willpower, thinking of what Saturday would hold. He hadn't told Simon, but Saturday was Rick's birthday. The first time in Kieren's life when there wouldn't be anyone to wish a happy birthday to. Rick's birthday had been part of his life for as long as he remembered and some more - they were picture of him and Rick at Rick's first birthday in some family photo album, if he remembered it correctly - and it was odd not having to paint something for him as a present. He thought of the sketches in one of his sketchbooks, where he had already started on a plan for a painting that Rick would never see.

The thought made a fresh wave of pain come up and crash into him. He bit into his hand, hoping to make it hurt less.  

 

 

The next morning, Kieren woke up already thinking of his lost first love. Through the entire morning, he tried to keep himself from thinking about Rick, but the more he tried, the less he could. The scrambled eggs he made for breakfast reminded him of that time when Rick had snuck into his house one evening, after telling his dad that he would go camping with some friends, and had stayed for breakfast that ended with scrambled eggs flying around the kitchen. He tried to draw to distract him, but opened the sketchbook at the page with the sketch for Rick's painting and when he managed to turn the page and to start drawing, all the drawing where somehow related to Rick. A face that looked like him, a person holding herself the same way that he used to, flowers that looked like those the Macy's have in their garden. 

During the afternoon, when his pain was growing, he shut himself in his room, listening to Jem's mix CD. But even the music couldn't keep his demons away. When the lost feeling and the pain grew unbearable, Kieren's hand somehow found his pocket knife and began to cut the flesh of his upper arm. But it didn't help. He didn't realise how the blade moved from his upper arm to land next to his scar on his wrist. _Just one deep cut, and his pain would end,_ Kieren caught himself thinking. This thought frightened him. Well, actually, it was rather his readiness to accept it that terrified him. Trying to keep his mind away from it, he forced himself to focus on something else, anything else. That's when he remembered the music. A new song had just started. A clear and high voice began to sing:

 

“ _The world seems not the same,_

_ Though I know, nothing has changed. _

_ It's all my state of mind, _

_ I can't leave it all behind...” _

 

Kieren could relate to this on an incredibly deep level of his soul. Fascinated and desperate for a distraction, he continued to listen to the lyrics. His knife, however, didn't move. The pressure of the blade against his skin increased slightly and then turned into pain when the tissue was broken. 

 

“ _Have to stand up to be stronger!_

_ Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind, _

_ Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, _

_ Have to make it right...” _

 

The hand around the knife froze, it didn't increase the pressure any more. He thought of Jem and his family, to whom he hadn't had the chance to say goodbye. Who were expecting him home for Christmas.

 

“ _Have fight, for I know in the end it's worthwhile,_

_ That the pain that I feel slowly fades away, _

_ It will be alright. _

 

_ I know, should realise _

_ Time is precious, it is worthwhile _

_ Despite how I feel inside _

_ Have to trust, It'll be alright.” _

 

The song gave him enough strength to even pull out the blade a little bit. But not enough for him to take it away completely.

 

_ Have to stand up to be stronger _

_ Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind, _

_ Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, _

_ Have to make it right _

_ Have fight, for I know in the end it's worthwhile, _

_ That the pain that I feel slowly fades away, _

_ It will be alright. _

 

_ Oh this night is too long,  _

_ have no strength to go on, _

_ no more pain, I'm floating away. _

_ Through the mist, I see the face, _

_ Of an angel, who calls my name, _

_ I remember, you're the reason I have to stay.” _

 

Simon. His angel, his love. Simon, who already had been through periods self-harming, who needed him. Who loved him. He couldn't leave him. Imagining his reaction, coming home and finding Kieren dead in his room finally gave him the strength to drop the knife. 

He noticed the tears that were streaming down his face. He was still sitting on his bed, listening to the song that had momentarily saved his life, not able to move.

 

_ Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind, _

_ Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, _

_ Have to make it right _

_ Have fight, for I know in the end it's worthwhile, _

_ That the pain that I feel slowly fades away, _

_ It will be alright.” _

 

When the song was over, he reached towards his phone and dialled Simon's number with shaking hands.

 

 

_** SIMON ** _

 

The first notes of “Eye of the Tiger” interrupted their conversation. Simon reached for his phone.

“Nice ringtone.” Julian grinned at him.

Simon was about to answer him, when his eyes caught the name on the display. Frowning, he said: “I'm sorry, I have to take that...”

He answered then call, with his usual “Hey there, how are things?”, but to his surprised, it was answered by a long silence, then a weak, ghost-like whisper.

“ _Simon._ ”

“Kieren, are you alright?” Simon asked, frowns deepening. Had something happened?

“ _Come back._ ” That distressed whisper again.

“What, are you missing me already? I haven't been gone a day...” He tried to joke a bit, but there is no laugher, not even a half annoyed snort, only a whispered _“Please!”._ Simon was really worried now. “All right, I'm on my way. Do you want me to stay on the phone?”

“ _Yes._ ”

Simon looked at Julian and apologised for having to leave, that there was something wrong with his roommate – he hadn't told him that he was his boyfriend. Julian offered to give him al lift, and he gladly accepted. Through the whole drive, Simon stayed on the phone, repeating non stop that he was on his way, that it wouldn't be long. All the while trembling nervously due to his worrying. Kieren wouldn't tell him what was wrong, though it was obvious that it was something serious. 

The car simply couldn't seem to be fast enough. Simon cursed every time they had to wait at a traffic lamp or the traffic slowed them down. When his friend finally stopped the car, Simon jumped out, already walking away, not even turning around when he thanked Julian for the ride and said goodbye.

He ran all the way to their flat, smashed the door open and – guessing this is were Kieren would be – rushed into his boyfriend's bedroom.

What happened next felt like a bad dream. Simon first saw Kieren, sitting on his bed in a position that couldn't mean anything good, then he noticed the knife, thrown on the floor, the blade covered in blood. He saw the blood running down the teen's upper arm and the fresh cuts from where it emerged. 

“Kieren,” he whispered, the voice filled with pain and worry.

At the sound of his name, Kieren looked up. Seeing his face was a shock. His expression was similar to someone who had had the fright of his life, but his eyes where empty. The shadow of a weak smile reached the corner of his mouth at the sight of Simon, then a single tear left his eye. 

“ _Simon.”_ It was said with such intensity, it made Simon shudder.

He went over to the bed and pulled Kieren in a comforting hug, letting him cry into his shoulder. When he had calmed down a bit, Simon asked him what happened. Kieren let go of his wrist – the Irishman had failed to notice the way his boyfriend had been clutching it – and stared at his palms in horror. Seeing the blood on them, Simon froze with shock and terror. 

“I... I...” Kieren tried to answer the question, still looking at his hand, “You... I... Rick...” he takes a deep breath. “I nearly did it again.”

When Simon realised what  _it_ was, coldness spread through him. “Oh, Kier.” He heard his voice break. He hugged him tighter and then pulled back a bit to look at him. "What happened?" 

“Today was... I needed you and you... It used to be Rick's... his birthday... And I was alone... and I... I asked you to stay, but you... you just left... I asked him to stay too, when he left and then you... you left too... and I _needed_ you” Kieren was getting more and more hysteric while he talked. Tears streaming down his face again. 

“Why didn't you tell me what day it was? I would have stayed, I would have arranged to meet Julian another time, I would... You should have said something!”

“I wanted to, but... I didn't want to bother you with my problems. You need to have your own life too... And I thought I could managed on my own and...”

Simon pulled him tighter. His boyfriend was so cute in his way of caring for others much more than he did for himself, but sometimes, he overdid it a bit. This time, it even nearly cost him his life. 

“I don't care about having a life of my own, if it means hurting you or putting you in danger of being hurt.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, i really recommend you to listen to the song, if you like symphonic metal. It's Pale by Within Temptation. 
> 
> (here is a link for it if you're interested https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsskNx5qNjY)
> 
> Hope this chapter was better than the last one :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had quite a lot to do for school lately, and I didn't have a lot of energy left for other things, so that's why it took me so long to update. I am really sorry. I'd like to promise you that the next chapter will be posted soon, but given the circumstances, I'm not sure i'll be able to keep that promise, but I'll try...
> 
> Anyways, have fun reading and even if i'm not good at replying to comments, I love getting some, so, if you feel like making my day, just drop a comment to tell me what you think of this chapter/this story :)

_**KIEREN** _

 

On their last evening before Christmas break, their university organised a Christmas party for all the students. Amy had spent an entire week trying to convince Kieren to come. It was the only thing she'd talk about. He had never actually told Amy he wasn't comfortable with crowds, but had thought it obvious. So, his plan had been to accept to go, just so she'd shut up about it and then just not show up. But seeing Amy's joy at his promise to come, he couldn't bring himself not to go.

“You really don't have to come, if you don't feel like it, you know. I'll tell her you are sick or something”, Simon told him again.

“No, I'll come. We have to go together, anyway. It's a Christmas dance, so we have to go as a couple.”

“Are you sure about this? It'll show everyone that we aren't straight, and some might not take it well...”

Kieren laughed at this. “Who are you kidding? After having been seen being affectionate in public a few times, do you really think there is anyone at University who hasn't heard about us being together? You know how fast rumours about such things travel.

“And besides, I want to show off my wonderful boyfriend.”

“Yeah, your probably right...” Simon answered, “So, let's go show the world what lucky men we both are.” He held an arm out to Kieren and Kieren took his hand. They left the flat and went to the meeting point Amy had chosen for them, so her friends didn't have to put up with Jenny's bullshit.

Amy was already standing there and came running towards them the moment she spotted them.

“You came!” She cupped Kieren's head with both her hands and shook it slightly to express her joy.

“Of course I did. I promised, didn't I?”

But before Amy could answer, Mary appeared and she left them to greet her.

 

The room was very crowded and it was only thanks to Simons presence that Kieren wasn't spending the evening in the darkest corner of the room. Having someone to talk to and to lead you around helped a lot, and so did the drinks Simon brought him every now and then.

After half an hour, Kieren felt comfortable enough to accompany Simon to the dance floor. It turned out Simon was an incredible dancer and under his lead, the strawberry blond felt like he was actually doing some pretty good dancing for the first time in his life. Every other time he had tried to dance had ended quite badly, due to his clumsiness, but this time, nothing happened. Well, nothing _bad_ at least.

When they left the dance floor, they were both laughing and out of breath. They looked around, but couldn't spot either of their two friends. So they went outside to get some air and cool themselves down a bit.

 

 

_**AMY** _

 

She had never been that jealous watching Kieren and Simon. But seeing them staying together all the time, except for when Simon went to get them some drinks made Amy long for similar affection. And when they went dancing together, Amy couldn't bear watching them any longer. She turned around to ask Mary if she wanted something to drink, when Mary suddenly spoke in a hesitant tone: “Amy?”

“Yes?”

“Well, you know, I love dancing and so, I was wondering, you know, as I can't really dance on my own, if, well, you know, you would agree to dance with me?” she gave her an nearly apologetic smile. “I mean, you don't have to, you know, but it would be nice...”

Amy's heart leaped. Mary was asking her for a dance! Of course, she reminded herself, this doesn't have to mean anything. There are a lot of people dancing with friends. But still.

“Sure. Let's go!” and off they were to the dance floor.

It was long ago since Amy last had had that much fun. She and Mary span around until they both had to stop to catch their breath.

“Thank you for the dance, it was amazing!” Amy said as soon as she had steadied her breathing enough to form a coherent sentence.

“You're welcome. Fancy a drink?”

Amy nodded and they went to the bar.

Those drinks were really good and surprisingly inexpensive, so they kept drinking until they were both tipsy. That was when Amy realised Kieren and Simon weren't in the room. She signalled it to her friend and they left the bar, with a drink in each hand, to look for them.

They found them outside, in the middle of a making out session, so they left them alone. They didn't feel like going back inside though and went to a bench on the other side of the building to finish their drinks. They sat there and talked, and laughed.

At some point, the alcohol level in Amy's blood that increased her bravery as well as her foolishness was so high that she suddenly looked Mary in the eye, then leaned forward and pressed her lips on Mary's mouth. To her surprise, Mary deepened the kiss instantly.

Warmth spread through Amy's body, while she tried to ignore that annoying little voice telling her that Mary's only acting that way because she was drunk and that when she would be sobered up she would deny any of this ever happened, or even worse, be so disgusted by it, that she wouldn't want to be Amy's friend any more. And thankfully, with the amount of alcohol in her system, that voice was easy to ignore.

Amy had no idea how long they had been sitting on the bench and making out, but every second of it felt wonderful. Mary began to shiver at one point, so Amy pulled her into a tight hug, in an attempt to keep her warm with her body heat. When Amy started to shiver too, Mary stood up and took her by the hand.

“Come home with me. Rachel has left already, so we can be alone.” She suggested.

Amy accepted gladly and they went to look for Kieren and Simon to say goodbye.

 

The warmth of Mary's apartment was very welcome. After taking off their shoes and coats, they went straight to Mary's bedroom. Amy let herself fall backwards on the bed, pulling Mary with her, so that they were now lying on top of each other. Mary answered with a passionate kiss, her hands knotted in Amy's hair. When they broke apart, Amy started dotting open mouth kisses along Mary's neck and cheekbones. She let her hands slip under Mary's shirt, tracing patterns on her back. Mary moaned at the touch, trying to catch Amy's mouth with her own. Amy tucked the hem of Mary's shirt, a silent request for her to take it of. Mary broke away just long enough to take off both her shirt and her bra, then caught Amy's lips again.

“I'm half naked now Amy, and you are still completely dressed. Don't you think that's unfair?” Mary mumbled into the kiss.

Amy smiled and pulled off her dress, trying to keep kissing her all the while, although it obviously didn't work.

 

 

 

Amy woke up with an acute pain in her head. The first things she noticed were the thin dark arms wrapped around her and that she wasn't in her room. It took some time for her to recall the previous night and when she finally remembered, she felt her cheek go warm and her heartbeat speed up with a mixture of happiness, hope and fear. She watched Mary fondly, waiting for her to wake up, while her thoughts altered between how happy she'd be if Mary and her became more than just friends and fear of rejection.

Although when Mary woke up about half and hour later she smiled at Amy, she immediately released Amy from her embrace and moved a little bit away from her.

“Good morning,” said Amy cheerfully, but got only an unsure “Hi” in return. Her cheerfulness and hope turned into worry. She was going to ask her friend about what was going to happen with them in the future – would they stay friends? It was quite clear to Amy that this was the best she could hope for. Mary obviously didn't want them to become a thing, but hopefully she wouldn't be too disgusted by what happened that night to continue talking to her – but when she saw the lost gaze in her eyes, she decided to try to give her some time to think instead and proposed to go make some breakfast.

They ate, did the washing up and went to sit in the living room, where they sat in awkward silence for quite some time. Then Amy sighed and said to Mary: “We'll need to talk about it eventually, you know, so why put it off?”

But Mary just looked at her with a startled expression and remained silent.

“Look Mary, if you want to forget about last night and never talk about it again, I'll understand. If you never want to talk to or see me again, I'll understand. I'm not saying I'd like it or that I wouldn't mind, I would definitely miss your handsome face, but it's your decision and I'll respect it. I just need to know how things are between us.”

This made Mary react: “Oh god no Amy. I'll never cut you out of my life willingly, no matter what. And about last nigh, I liked it, I just wasn't sure if you did too. I mean, we were both quite drunk.”

Relief flooded Amy and she leaned in to kiss her to show her how she felt and tell her how much she'd liked the previous night, but Mary pulled away and her lips only met thin air. “What...?”, she asked confused.

Mary looked at her apologetically: “I can't, Amy. I can't do this.” She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

“Why? What's the matter?”

“How can I...? I can't be with you. You're a woman! I mean, I've got nothing against homosexuals, how could I, with Kier and Si as my friends? But that doesn't mean I can be with a woman. I'm not homosexual, I'm a perfectly straight girl.” There was something odd in the way she spoke the last part, like a desperate attempt to convince herself rather than Amy.

Oh. _Oh._

So that was the problem! The realisation struck Amy. She hadn't accepted her sexuality, she was still in denial. Amy knelt down in front of her, took her hands in hers and looked her deep in the eye.

“Mary,” she said softly but emphatically, “It's okay if you aren't ready for this, we can take it slow, or even leave it be. It's okay if you need more time. But it's not okay to deny who you are. There's nothing wrong with not being straight. I know you have accepted that for other people, but you need to realise that the same goes for you too, got it? It's not an illness, it's a part of you and it doesn't make you any less human or less natural or less valuable. You need to understand this, okay?”

Mary nodded slowly, then remained silent for a while, taking it all in and considering it, before she leaned forward and pressed a shy brief kiss onto Amy's lips. “Thank you,” she murmured.

Amy smiled widely and half jumped back onto the sofa. “Hey, as your best friend who shared a bed with you, it is my duty to tell you that.” she punched her playfully. “Well now that this is settled, fancy a coffee?”

“No I'm fine, thanks.”

Amy was glad Mary had started to accept herself and that it looked like she'd like to be with her too. As much as Amy would have loved to take her on her laps and hold her tight, peppering her neck with kisses, she stayed still, not wanting to cross the line and making her friend feel uncomfortable.

After a while Mary laid her head on Amy's shoulder. Amy tentatively took her into her arms and pulled her closer. Mary smiled at that and wrapped her arms around Amy too. The long silence that followed was the exact opposite of awkward.

“Amy?” Mary's hesitant voice broke the silence after what seemed like an eternity.

“Hm?”

“Do you want to... be my girlfriend?”

“Oh god, yes!” Amy turned around a bit, so that she could hug her more tightly and press her lips against Mary's. Then, realising what she had just done, she jumped back. “Oh, sorry. Was that okay with you?”

Mary smiled. “Yes, it was.”

“Just tell me if I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable, okay? And don't feel obliged to do something just because we're girlfriends now.”

At the word 'girlfriends' Amy felt warmth fill her body, starting from her chest. It felt so good and strange at the same time to say it, but Amy was happy she could use it.

“Yeah, okay, I will.” A short pause. “Oh, and Amy?”

“Yes?”

“Could we keep this a secret for now?”

It wasn't at all like Amy to keep her relationships secret, she was more the kind of person who would paint it on the biggest wall, for everyone to see. But if it was what Mary wanted she knew better than to force her. _For now._ “If that's what you want. What about telling Kieren and Simon? Is that okay with you or would you rather not?” Amy asked, really hoping her girlfriend would agree to tell them. She didn't want to be with them and watch them being affectionate while not being able to do the same with Mary. Plus it would only be fair to trust them with it, as they had both entrusted them with their relationship and sexuality and Kieren had even helped Amy figure hers out.

Mary thought about it for a while. “Yeah, I think we can tell them.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, this is the first time i post some of my works online and it also happens to be my first fanfic ever, so i hope you liked it.
> 
> Comments, kudos and constructive critics are always apreciated ;)


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